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Confused, and It Is Shitty

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Confused, and It Is Shitty


To be honest, I don't really know how to "speak" my story, They are all the same, I guess!

But I'm tired of "speaking the story" with psychologists, shrinks, and this and that!

I just wish to speak it in words, and whoever reads, it's ok!

I, for reasons unknown, started with morphine when I was 9! I used it occasionally throughout my life. But I also started drinking heavy and smoking cigarettes a couple of years later, then weed when I was 17. I have no idea what went wrong or when the wheels came flying off! After the initial weed and alcohol, I immediately fell In love with it, and continued until until this day 25 years later.

A couple of months after starting weed daily, I went to XTC, taking it every weekend, along with speed and cocaine, LSD mushies, and the whole alphabet! Then after ', I guess around 12 years, I suddenly started "banging," slamming, etc., heroin, because I got it from a source which made me able to use "Thai China White" at a cost of 2-3 grams for around 20 bucks. Understandably, money was not an issue, neither was supply.

At the same time, my pill abuse took off, with vival, valium, oxy, codein, methadone, subutex, temgesic, morphine, rohypnol, and every other pill in the book! At the time, I took my bachelor's, and even then days where filled with all the above shit. I managed in a strange hazy way and every weekend was special, because from Thursday til Sunday it was partying time which meant XTC, ketamine, cocaine, pills for up and down and alcohol for the sake of at least taking some "legal " drug. Pathetic!

Then I decided to take a year off, which I spend taking XTC on a daily basis, until I woke up In a ditch one morning. And that was it.

But the rule applied only to XTC, so I was off again with coke, and the pills, and, of course, heroin, which I now injected. Also alcohol, why not? That was my thinking.

Fast forward, or else it will take forever, I stopped heroin, went on to using just methadone which I used for the next 8 years (and admittedly using coke until there wasn't anyway for me to take it! )!

So, today, I feel kinda raw inside! 10 Months ago, after 120 Mg methadone usage for 8 years, against my doctor's advice, I stopped "cold turkey" on the date 10 months ago. I haven't touched it since! At least I did not die, or go In to a serious psychosis, as my doc told me would happened, but I'm a stubborn person and authorities are not very welcome regarding their opinions, leading to of course taking all this insane decisions throughout my life!

I never stole or anything similar. The only damage is to family and friends! But it is only now I start realized how selfish I've been not to even have considered them while doing all this shit for so long. And I'm still having struggles with withdrawals from the methadone. It is in its own league, withdrawals are 100 times more painful than heroin, and it lasted in physical and mental terror that only slowly subsidized after 6-8 weeks!

ADVICE, never start methadone, just that, or find out yourself!

Has this or any other story at any point been helpful except that I'm getting some "steam" off?  I don't know, but I know that a long time ago I started not liking talking to people who had its as their job to talk to me, thus I'm here talking to no one or someone not in particular.

I do have a question I would like to check, which I somehow missed is A.N. Are they good? And yes, I have been to every kinda of "rehab"' there is. But I have not been involved with A.N.

I guess I'm just confused and feel shitty, and I'm not sure where and what to do!

I'm a "New born", after more than 25 years since I was 9 to have ever woken up, is what I believe, meaning how I feel, where do I start and go on?

Advice is extremely welcome!!!!

thx, ANOxxx

This Story of Hope was created in celebration of recovery and to let families know that there are pathways to hope and healing. The Partnership for Drug-Free Kids is the only nonprofit organization dedicated to helping families who are struggling with their son or daughter's substance use. Please consider sharing this page so that families know where to turn to for help, and that there is always hope.

Guest Book


1. Pat Aussem
Hi Ben, Not sure about A.N. -- haven't heard those initials. I'm guessing you didn't mean N.A. for narcotics Anonymous but wanted to double check. Would be glad to help in any way so let me know. Pat
2. Pat Aussem
Hi Ben, Not sure about A.N. -- haven't heard those initials. I'm guessing you didn't mean N.A. for narcotics Anonymous but wanted to double check. Would be glad to help in any way so let me know. Pat