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Alone, Addicted, Broke, and Pregnant: A True Story

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Alone, Addicted, Broke, and Pregnant: A True Story

It was 1990 and I was heavily addicted to alcohol and pain pills. After one of my drunken escapades I wound up pregnant by a guy I hardly knew who said he "couldn't be a father."  I detoxed from drugs and alcohol, alone in my bed, with three days of what felt like spiders crawling up and down my legs and a headache that wouldn't leave. I had lots of headaches after one of those kind of nights, but they usually went away after I had a drink or two. I couldn't do that this time because i was pregnant and didn't want to hurt the baby.

I decided I would quit drinking and drugging while I was pregnant--knowing that would only temporarily cramp my lifestyle. I did okay with that, except for a few glasses of wine here and there. I worked two jobs while I was pregnant to keep busy and save money so I could get move out of the crowded apartment with friends that I lived in and get my own place. I got food stamps and moved in Section 8 housing. I was living outside Los Angeles and it was hard to make ends meet. One day I took my baby for a walk in an old stroller someone had given me, and there was a deadly body sketch on the sidewalk in front of the building I lived in. Turns out the park across from my the apartment building I had moved into was a hang-out for drug dealers. Seeing that dead body sketch in front of my apartment scared me enough to make me want to move. But, i couldn't afford to go anywhere!

Luckily, a former boyfriend said I could come stay with him until I got on my feet. He was in Oklahoma. He sent  us plane tickets and packed up a few suit cases and moved to Oklahoma. Without a better plan, there I was, imposing on an ex who seemed to be helping me in order "to get me back," which being without a job. I began to feel helpless and really had no one to talk to. One day, I looked in the yellow pages for a women's counselor who might take me on a sliding scale (for free). I closed my eyes and whirled my finger around until  it landed on the page. I called the women's counseling center that my finger landed on. The counselor I ended up seeing turned out to also be a licensed drug and alcohol counselor. When she asked me if I had a drug or alcohol problem I said "Well, no, I don't have a problem because I quit using while i was pregnant and I am still not using." 

The truth was, though, that I was what I call "stark raving sober!" I was a "dry drunk," an addict who had been "white knuckling it" for a year. I did not know how to live sober; how to live without drinking or drugging to deal with life, to relax, unwind, go to sleep--you name it, I didn't know how to do it sober. I couldn't remember the last time I had a good night's sleep. I had social anxiety and no coping skills. I was nursing my daughter but not eating or sleeping well. I was totally drained, anxious, and could no longer take care of myself. I drank some champagne and some wine on a few occasions after I had my daughter, but I knew in my heart that I needed about 15 drinks to really calm me down. This counselor helped me realize that my alcoholic parents weren't the only alcoholics in my family!

I began to go to recover meetings outside of counseling, and after several months, the only help I got with recovery were those meetings. I didn't really like it and actually never intended to stay sober for much longer than I had to--just until my daughter got a little older. The people in those meetings seemed so happy that I thought surely they weren't really ever addicted like I was. And they all looked so good. I didn't think I could ever recover like they did, be as happy as they were, look as good as they did, have a life as good as theirs.

Truth is--I didn't feel I was worthy of such a happy life. I didn't think I was worthy of all the help they offered me. But, I let them love me until I could love myself. I hung around with "the winners"--the people who seemed to have solid sobriety. They taught me how to live sober. They taught me through a loving, caring, yet firm approach and they shared their experience, strength and hope with me, instead of talking "at me." No one ever made me feel "less than" when I shared with them the shameful things I did while using.  They helped me work through all the shame and guilt I felt and cared enough to "call me on my stuff," keep me out of denial so that I could take a healthy, honest look at myself.

I ended up going to college, getting a degree and a good job and being able to take care of myself and my daughter. But, I couldn't have done all of this alone. I kept going to those meetings and stayed connected to people in recovery. 

My story began over 20 years ago. In fact, next month it will have been 21 years since I took a drink of alcohol or abused pain pills. My family and old drinking buddies were taking bets that I wouldn't make it--but I did. All the odds were against me when I got sober and I had no intention of "staying stopped." But I stayed sober in spite of myself at first, and then for myself in the end. You can too. If I can get sober and stay sober, I really believe anyone can! I had no family support, no money, no insurance, no treatment, no job, and a baby to raise. And I did it. And so can you. Just try. And keep trying until it sticks!



Partners for Hope raise critical funds on behalf Partnership to End Addiction – the nation’s leading organization dedicated to addiction prevention, treatment and recovery. Every dollar raised on behalf of the Partnership* will help ensure free, personalized family support resources, including our national helpline, peer-to-peer parent coaching, customized online tools and community education programs, can reach those who need them most. Please consider donating to this fundraiser and sharing this page.

*Donations made to Partnership to End Addiction are tax deductible to the extent allowed by law. All contributions are fully tax-deductible, as no goods or services are provided in consideration in whole, or in part, of any contribution to this nonprofit organization.  EIN: 52-1736502

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