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Peaceful Serenity

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Peaceful Serenity

Hello my name is Amanda. I'm a recovering addict from heroin. I have almost 11 months clean and I got clean on my own. It all started back in 2011. I met my boyfriend in August and we talked for almost three weeks and were inseparable. He told me that he was a recovering addict from benzo's and pills and took Suboxone. I was fine with that because I respected that he was getting clean. I on the other hand only smoke weed and had a drink here and there. As our relationship went on, I could tell there was something going on with him, he would be happy one day, sleep for the next three days, wake up and be all pissy and disrespectful. I found boxes of Corcidin and asked what he was doing with them?! H told me he was getting high off them and tripping. I went through many days and nights with him not remembering me and him being a total stranger. I sat with him in the hospital twice cause he overdosed on benzo's and Vicodin. So in the beginning he lied to me because he was still abusing opiates. On October 2011, I found out he was doing heroin and it crushed me and I wanted to break up with him. He begged and pleaded me not to and that he would get help, well that was a lie and later on it would lead me to try it. His had no respect for himself and always lost control when he was high and he did it around me even when I asked him not to. I wanted to leave so bad but I knew he only had me so I still stayed with him knowing that it was only time until I wanted to try it and that day came. On December 21, 2011, I tried heroin for the first time. The way it made me feel was like no other. It was something that completely erased all the worries and emotions away. After that, I did it again and again to where I felt my body depending on it and I knew instantly I was going through withdrawal. It was horrid and I would stay up all night, tossing and turning until my boyfriend would wake up and we could go pick up. Our relationship turned into a drug relationship. We loved drugs more than each other. We would fight about dope and get physical with one another. Every day was always a fight to get money to get dope. We would steal his parents credit cards and get money from strangers at gas stations. I would use money from my Unemployment at the time and ask my grandma for money when she had no clue what I was doing at the time. I was a thief, something I never wanted to be. A liar, something i became really good at. Every waking day was always me waking up wondering how I was going to get high. In April, 2012, my boyfriend went to jail for 90 days for a DUI charge, that only made me use dope more. I finally opened up to my grandma and told her what was going on. I could see it in her eyes that I completely broke her heart. It tore me apart to know I broke the trust of someone that trusted me with their everything. She hid her purse, jewelry, anything that valuable from me and I couldn't blame her. In July 2012, my boyfriend got out of jail and we started fresh. I stopped using because I didn't want to get in back into it but it didn't last for long. We started drinking every day, doing pills, smoking crack and then finally shooting dope. He was on probation at the time and didn't care and neither did I even though I knew it was wrong. I was so skinny and looked like death. I had my arms so messed up from shooting up with needles. I thought I looked good but my family didn't. A few months passed by and the using got bad.  In October 2012, my boyfriend pissed hot and got two more DUI's for driving under the influence of dope and went to jail. I hit the lowest point of my life cause I lost my best friend. I started using dope even more to cover my feelings and emotions up. In November of 2012, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and checked into rehab. I only lasted a day and checked out and went back to using. I went from job to job just to support my habit. Payday was dope day for me. My grandma would even give me money so I wouldn't go out and do something stupid to get money on my own. I was hanging out with my drug buddies, always getting high. I thought I was super woman. I finally got on the Suboxone program only to abuse it and shoot it up when I didn't have dope. My addiction went from heroin to Oxy and then both. I was also abusing my Klonopin as well. I lost job after job because I was still going through withdrawal because I didn't always take my Suboxone cause I would sell them for money. Then came May 9th 2013, the day that changed my life. I was at a friend's house and we were shooting up 100MG morphine pills all day. I stayed  at her house all day and night and we just kept getting high. I shot up at least 9 morphine pills throughout the whole day. I went home that night and on my way home, I felt super weird like my body was shutting down on me so I rushed home and told my grandma to call 911. The last thing I remember was laying in her bed and going into shock. The next day I woke up in the hospital with an oxygen mask on me and IV's running through me. My grandma sitting there beside me waiting for me to awake. I asked her what happened and she said I overdosed. I was blessed to be alive cause the nurse said I had so much morphine in my body that it would of killed me if I wasn't rushed to the hospital. After I got home, I stopped taking my Suboxone and cut off everyone that did drugs with me. To this day, I don't drink, smoke or anything of that sort. I do suffer from PTSD cause of my overdose and panic attacks. I take medication and work out to help. I'm still with my boyfriend. He went through a drug program in jail and he's in a rehab right now and will be going to a halfway house in June. I know that he has changed for the best and I believe that both of us will never look back on that life cause we have too much to lose at this point. I lost a lot of trust in my family and still some don't talk to me to this day. The only support I had was my grandmas and I'm so blessed to have her through every step. Kicking addiction on my own was hard. Withdrawal was the worse but I knew I was strong enough to do it. I love life and make sure I cherish every moment. I just hope people and families that are dealing with addiction now know that there is hope and they can get clean. You just need to believe in yourself and most importantly YOU must want to get clean. I pray for everyone and myself. I thank God I'm still here and I know that my purpose here on Earth is much more bigger than what I thought. Thanks for listening. :) 

Partners for Hope raise critical funds on behalf Partnership to End Addiction – the nation’s leading organization dedicated to addiction prevention, treatment and recovery. Every dollar raised on behalf of the Partnership* will help ensure free, personalized family support resources, including our national helpline, peer-to-peer parent coaching, customized online tools and community education programs, can reach those who need them most. Please consider donating to this fundraiser and sharing this page.

*Donations made to Partnership to End Addiction are tax deductible to the extent allowed by law. All contributions are fully tax-deductible, as no goods or services are provided in consideration in whole, or in part, of any contribution to this nonprofit organization.  EIN: 52-1736502

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