when i was younger i abhorred drugs, watched the three r's reading, writing and reefer, passed the class with an a plus, learned everything that was evil in the seventies, smoked my first joint in fourth grade with a black kid named Byron, i used to eat alot of candy, maybe it was the sixth grade, but all of a sudden i was not cool with everyone i knew, they called me pig pen and Byron was my only friend, then along came a whole group of black friends, they were my only friends, the rest of everyone was too white to be my friend. My mom liked my black friends, she would buy us pizzas and they would hang out at my house, they never robbed me, they never hurt me, they were my friends, it had nothing to do with drugs, i had been kidnapped and molested and hung in a tree and whipped when i was only four or about, and homosexually, i was akward, i could not trust anyone, i tried, when i was 13 i started stealing cars with a mexican friend of mine, i did it for acceptance, i did it cause it was easy, i did it cause i was hurt, over the years i got only worse, in 1996 i got my only dui i was given six months in a hospital then had to do a year of alcohol and other ddrugs class, i was still hurt but on the wall was a poster that said i was better then what i was using to escape my pain, i was born in? 1969, that did not sink in until one day i was walking and i heard an inner voice of a woman telling me i was better then the poster said i was, it was my mothers spirit, i was always a mommas boy, my dad had other obligations, and so did i, but i was reckless, i hurt people cause i was hurt. hearing this woman, my mom, that i believed loved me more then i would admit it hurt in a softer way, it mademe believe in me, i stopped drinking, i stopped usoing heroine, meth, coke, lsd, i went back to a place i knew was just contentment. To help me rehabilitate i was prescribed cloonnopin, a benzodiazipan, it made me worse, i was using valiums and anything i could to hide how hurt i was, i was working a special objective, i was working to get marijuana legalized as a medication because since i first used marijuana it made my pain go away, i never used marijuana as a social substance though i sat in on many sessions, it made me whole, it still does, but i dont suggest that it be used as a coping mechanism, just as a medication, my lungs breathe better and my mom said it was ok if i only smoked at home, she was smart. it kept me home, it kept me safely at home.? i am not proud of myself for the few years i lived without concern for my well being but i am thankfull my mother never left me. I cherish her, she was not the perfect mom, but i learned that she was the only sanity i had left, i have clung to that sanity. Now without my medication i get seizures of incredible proportion. i hold onto god when these seizures happen. In clinging to god i am clung onto by my mother, my grandmother and my grandfather. I will always be proud to be a responsible person now. I learned the hard way that drugsa and alcohol are sorrrow and they will destroy your well being. I have lots of acquired effects from my life of abuse, but i appreciate health more, i dont try to hurt myself, i try to be the best person i can by loving and accepting that i am the best at what i do and that is loving each person i can when i can, not sexually just neutrally i learned to advocate for the better aspect of life, life itself. i dont have many friends, but the ones i do have appreciate me for me. I can only tell you by experience, i have seen and lost too many friends to drug overdoses, suicides, and i am only fortunate and lucky to be alive because the grace of god, remember life is for the living. its ad to lose the ones you love to disease and toxicity of the body, i love yoga and yoghurt and being at contentment not wioth what i dont have but what i do have and that is self esteem and self respect. i had a daughter, she was suffocated by her mother because shje was high on meth amphetamines and god knows what else. it hurt me enough to vow not to create a life again that would be raised in an environment that was pro drugs and not pro life, i am not rich i live just a simple less then average life, i am lucky i have a roof over my head, and fortunate to receive food stamps to surbive, i dont eat as healthy as i would like to, but i am learning to survive honest with myself not deceiving anyone. its the best i can be, just honest. drugs kill, medications heal, i am thankfull i have a good prescription for saphris a lingual meedication that helps me to sleep, reminds me that its ok to be quiet and not speak rudely, but i still am not perfect, i have tumors that one day will kill me, but one day is along way away in my mind and in my heart, and i want to encourage you to love the life god gave you, not to add more pain to it.