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Should have known better

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Should have known better

i am going to be 28 years old soon. i started out by smoking "weed" when i was 15. i used to say i loved it! i couldnt see then that my life wasnt on track. i dropped out of school for a reason which i thought was appropriate. ill share a little bit of a back story. and hearing this you might shake your head.

i knew all too well what drugs were doing to my family. my mother was an addict for as long as i can remember. i remember sitting in my step dad's truck for hours when i was around 8 with my little sister who was two or three at the time while my mother was in a van with her dealer. i hated sitting in a car waiting. but it happened all the time. we moved from hotel to hotel for years. when i was 10 i had gotten a third degree burn, which resulted in my great grandmother to take custody of me and my little sister. the night before cps picked us up, i didnt even stay with my mother. i stayed with the housekeeper of the hotel.

well anyways.. back to the "good reason to drop out" my mother had gone to prison but had had a third baby girl. who was around two when she was locked up. so the step dad had a job at the time. i had moved up there to take care of my little sister. but was smoking weeed and occastionally drinking. when i was close to 17 my mother had gotten out of prison and i started to like her again. people started coming over and i was allowed to drink and smoke weed infront of the parentals. i had eventually got with a guy who would come over all the time. living in the situation i did, i had no clue how naive i was. i couldnt understand why everyone stayed up all night. i would get irritated. being the "stoner" i was i hated being woken up from ppl all through the night.

i had eventually moved in with this guy at him parents house. and quickly realized it was the same kind of thing. the house was pretty much a flop house. i swore i loved him. i had gotten pregnant when i was 17. and had gotten married. had my first baby girl a week and a half before my 18th birthday. it was around a month later i was talking to the husband. i wanted to know what was so good about this drug that was more important then me and our baby girl. his words were you dont want this, its not a good drug its addictive and its bad. i did not care. i told him let me try it once. thats where my life changed.

meth had taken me and locked its grip hard. my daughter was 6 months old when i lost her to cps. i can honestly tell you now. i see how the addiction progresed. i started doing it like once a month. then every few weeks then every week, then finally everyday.. now honestly i can tell you im pretty average body type. my normal size jeans while in school were 12 - 14. but during my active addiction i got down to a 3 -4. i liked being skinny but the only way i felt pretty was with makeup. i looked sick! im 5 foot 6 and i weighed about 130. i had gotten pregnate again my daughter lived in the same home i lived and i wouldnt even see her.

i used through most of my pregnancy with my second. thankfully he came out ok. i was clean when i went into labor. i had stopped using about two months before i had him. i also was fighting alot with the husband. when i went into labor he was too busy using so a friend went to the hospital with me. she stayed the whole 3 days, while the husband came for 5 minutes just one time. i had left the husband when my son was 3 months old.

i left with a man that i had always liked. now i understand if you think this is bad but i feel it was a god thing. the guy i left with who i will just call "babe" had told me after a fight with the husband. that i could leave. that he would help me at least get out of that house and that family. oh by the way. the house was full of addicts and drunks. i had left gotten a restaining order and "babe" had went into treatment. i found out i was pregnant again right before he went in. he promised we were only gonna go up from that point. i stayed sober through the whole pregnancy i had a healthy baby girl and my heathly lil boy. we moved into a two bedroom a month before i had her.

"babe" had gotten a job and while i was in the hospital he gotten us a car. life was good. i couldnt ask for anything else. we drank on the weekends, but we werent in any program. one day he had come home from work and i was holding our 6 month old baby girl. i knew there was something wrong. i could hear it in his voice. he had gotten into the wrong car at lunch and they loaded up the pipe. and for a meth addict, it is hard to resist. but him know i would have flipped out. he brought some home. and there started our 3 year straight binge on meth. crime. deception and most of all the hell we put our kids through.

in may 2009 cps came and told us we were on a contract that if we used again we would give our kids up. we used and we faught and "babe's" parent came and picked them up. we got kicked out of the two bedroom that we lived in for 3 years. it was trashed. holes in the walls everywhere. we lived in our beat down tweaked out ?ford tempo till august. august 6th was the day "babe" went into treatment i ran the streets and slept where i could till november. i had never been on my own, had no game, no hustle, i wanted to get sober so bad.

i had finally gotten in treatment in november 4 days after babe got out. he stayed with his parents and the kids. his parents didnt want us together but the day i got out of treatment and rode the bus back to the town we live in today, he was there waiting and we got into a house that let us live together. we would attend meeting everyday. we got involved we were in outpatient for almost a year. we gotten jobs. and by 2012 on fathers day. we got our kids back. life is good even through all the bad things that have happened and all the bad that was done. i couldnt be more happy today.?


This Story of Hope was created in celebration of recovery and to let families know that there are pathways to hope and healing. The Partnership for Drug-Free Kids is the only nonprofit organization dedicated to helping families who are struggling with their son or daughter's substance use. Please consider sharing this page so that families know where to turn to for help, and that there is always hope.

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