I've lived through more pain and regret in my 32 years than many will experience in a lifetime. I spent close to 15 years doing drugs. My drug of choice was heroin, and I was an IV user. After using dope for 3 years I started using methadone, which helped curb my usage... a little. I ended up using it as a crutch and then ended up being addicted to both. I dated an extremely abusive alcoholic and was living a nightmare. I started abusing pharmaceuticals in addition to my heroin use in my early twenties, and used xanax and other benzos at an alarming rate. Drugs helped me escape the nightmare of my life.

I met a man that rescued me from my abuser, and we got married, 2 weeks after we started dating. The day after we were married my husband found out that I had given him an STD, and we were both treated and recovered, though I was obviously very embarrased. I got busted for cultivation with my husband and my husband went to prison. I went to rehab and stayed for 9 months. When I got out I quit methadone after reuniting with my husband after he was paroled. A few short months later I was using xanax again with my husband, though I was clean from other street drugs, I wasn't clean entirely. I was on probation, and it kept me from using street drugs.

One day, I fell asleep next to my husband, and when I awoke, I found him dead. He stopped breathing after combining heroin and xanax, which can easily be lethal. Those moments changed my life forever. I moved back home and got clean, for real this time. I reunited with an old flame. After a year or so, I was having severe abdominal pain and ended up needing exploratory surgery to diagnose the cause. I found out that entire areas of my reproductive organs were destroyed from having had the undiagnosed STD for a lengthy amount of time. My fertility was destroyed. My significant other disregarded it, as he knew that I had a troubled past, and knew that I didn't currently have an std.

After a few years we were married. I found a decent job, and we bought a house. We did IVF, and had a daughter with down syndrome. I was devestated initially, but am so enamored with her now. I went back to school for the third time and began taking classes for Human Resource management. I will be graduating in 2 months with a bachelors degree. I just want people to know that with extra effort, and perserverance, this thing is possible. If you had asked me ten years ago where I thought I would be in 2013 I would have chuckled or maybe glared, and I would have told you that I would more than likely be dead; and had my first husband not died from drugs, I probably would have. I would have died with a needle in my arm, in a rent by the week room, or from violence trying to score another bag. I think of drugs once in awhile now, but it is far from being a daily thought, and it is never a real possibility in my mind. I know what I want, and it isn't death. Once upon a time, I thought that was what I wanted, but now I am wiser. Today I love myself. The best advice I can give is going to treatment, I did for 9 months. Then work on your educaton and get a job. It will boost yourself esteem and make you learn love yourself. I am not there entirely, but it's a journey, not a destination, right?