At age 40 I began a program of recovery.? Next week that will be 23 years ago.? The problem was that I had always had a low level of depression, which led me to have very low self esteem.? It was not possible for me to carry out the plans I made.? I tried very hard to stay on top of it, which sometimes worked, but I couldn't depend on it.? I started drinking and using drugs for some momentary relief from the pain of all that.? Sometimes it helped a little, but over time it began to own me.? Everything was compounded.? I will not go into detail about everything here.? Suffice it to say that my life became a bigger and bigger mess, and I found it harder and harder to have any control over anything.? After a night of drinking and arguing with my husband that was not unlike many others, I found myself in the floor in the bathroom, telling God that I was tired of running, and I was turning my crazy self over to him.? Over a period of time, I found the help I needed and have lived my life clean and sober ever since.? I wouldn't want anyone to think things have been blissful.? Life is still hard.? But life is also beautiful and full of love.? The difference is that I can see it and feel it now.? Before it was just an ongoing sorrow and fear that I felt.? The bottom line was that when I became ready to do something different, people began to show up in my life to help me find the right path.? Maybe they were there all along.