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My name is anonymous, I am an alcoholic.

Im not about to start caring about my spelling, grammer and/or punctuation. I hope no one will care too much either.

I wish to begin i think with a divorce. My parents' marrige has been over for about 8 years but spiritually about 18. Im 25 now... so honestly the figures are more like 10 and 20... But this is not to be confused, im not placing a blame or calling anyone out, just beggining my story here.

I got the Cadillac when my dad bounced out ?to Utah to stay with family and friends there, in our home state. So my friends and i had a lot of fun with food and girls, all night, a few nights in Palm Desert, Ca. There I had plenty opportunities to walk right into Dan's Market and shove bottles of booze and boxes of purple CC's in my pockets. And i have almost forgot to mention i was about 16 the first time i decided to pull any shit like this.

I was EXTREMELY surprised to realize how much more i could drink than any of my friends. It scared me (mostly grossed me out the next day) out of drinking for another 6 months or so. But the addiction was apparent in the life style because i continued to do this kind of thing for my friends because they had been caught or were too fucked up to go in already.

I moved from California back to my home town in Utah. There was such a feeling of great feat when i, 5' 7" 130 pounds, was putting down 20 beers MORE than any one of my friends at age 17. This was such a feeling of instant gratification. I continued to think that i was untouchable and just as good at EVERYTHING as i was at drinking beer.

I graduated to pot at 18. A lot of people would scoff. I would too. Pot isn't the scariest thing that exists...

The real shit hit the fan when my mother caught me smoking it with 8 or 9 friends in the basement. This set in motion a long long long track record of self indulgent lazy and wastful behavior. I lived with a friend for 2 months.. eating his food and showering in his bathroom, slept on his floor and smoked all his pot. WTF. Friends don't do this to eachother.. I think that i gave up on myself sometime between where my story began and now. I drank like a fool and ate mushrooms until my friends were literally scared of me.

I changed my mind about wanting money or love or even my family. I just wanted to smoke pot, while drunk, if hallucinogens weren't available and by this time in my life, 19 yrs, had no ecstacy to get me super high. I LOVED E. i was rolling multiple times a week on LOTS of pills at a time. this seemed cool and fun. BEFORE THIS, I WAS MENSA MATERIAL. 140 IQ, creative and artistic. I am not any more. at least not to the full extent of my potential. but as much as i loved ecstacy (i was an idiot) the drink is my demon.

I continued to date girls no good, drink too much and as i turned 20 i dropped out of the US Navy after being sworn in. this is the pattern of which the lifestyle will provide. it had nothing to do with the women, or the service or even my parents divorce. It is refusing to grow up and realize that reality is not dictated by our ability to inturperate the crazy fucking experience/trip to the guy traveling 1000 mph next to you.

This brings me to Meth. I was 22 and already a graduate of heroin in the bathroom of the Gateway Mall in SLC, and cocaine, pure and crack. Meth made me think that i was a fucking genius and the most sophisticatied artist on this rock. since then, I have had guns pointed at me and helped my best friend's woman cheat on him just so she could mess with his head.

I hit my "rock bottom". I want to say that i found some miracle cure or that someone told me a secret. no. i tried to kill myself. i bled out a very near fatal amount with the intent to die alone and i thought of one thing. my brother who was at the time 13. i imagined him at 23 (my age then) and what he would be like without his older brother. So i stood up in ?the puddle of my blood, i walked to the back door of my mother's house and knocked. I dont remember after that until the hospital.

At this time i was familiar with alcohol withdrawlsI experienced them in jail, jan 2010 to feb 2010. I had beed awaken by violent seizures in the night and sweating and pain in my guts from not drink. Yet, the hospital (jan2011) was relatively easy considering the librium kept them at bay. the shakes however... they were still there even with meds.. the three to four inches of "shivering space" i required on either side of my body and in my limbs was painful and frustrating.

I went to rehab?2 years and a month or so, a go. i listened to what they told me and use the "tools" i was given EVERY FUCKING DAY. i have been sober for those last two years and one or so months. I am married to the most beautiful woman i have ever known and i dont blame rehab for that, but i thank every one person that supported me on my way up from rock bottom. If you are reading this and you are desperate like i have been, even if you dont feel anything for me and my story, i have to tell you that it is ALL UP TO YOU. I decided to die and i luckily saw what i needed to change.. LITTERALLY... MOMENTS BEFORE IT WAS TOO LATE.



This Story of Hope was created in celebration of recovery and to let families know that there are pathways to hope and healing. The Partnership for Drug-Free Kids is the only nonprofit organization dedicated to helping families who are struggling with their son or daughter's substance use. Please consider sharing this page so that families know where to turn to for help, and that there is always hope.

Guest Book


1. Pat U.
Thank you so much. Keep up the great work. Congratulations on your wife, and on your new life. Living clean and sober is awesome. i am currently in rehab and i have been clean and sober for six months. 'LIFE ON LIFE'S TERMS'