I had to grow up fast, my dad died when I was 9. & I felt like I had to step up & take his place. I was always the strongest of the family. So I felt like it was expected of me. I was doing good until I got into high school.. Tried herion for the first time at 15. Wasn't addicted to it the first time. It gave the best high I though was ever imagineable. Don't really remember much of the night. I just knew that it made me feel like all my pain was gone. I didn't try it again until I was 16.. Everything went downhill after that. I was kicked out of school, in & out of JDC, youth shelters, constantly stealing money from my mom to get the drug. I hung out with the wrong crowd. But I held it all together in front of my family. They never knew. So I was glad they didn't. Beginning of 2010, I got arrested for driving a car without a license (only had a permit) . I was so high that I don't remember what even happened, I woke up in ah cell the next morning. That was the first time I had to actually detox.. It was hell! I was in pain, I sweated so bad. I thought dying had to better than this shit. I was in the for 5 months! Each day I just wanted to die. I hated myself for letting it get like it did. I know it broke my mothers heart when she found out. That was the worst pain I ever endured. But I couldn't help it, I still wanted the drug. I had to have it. I became independent on it. Which I said I'd never do. I ended up getting sent off upstate to some facility, was for troubled teens. I was in a drug cottage with girls who were addicted to drugs like I was. I was doing so well, even forgot about doing drugs. Got my first homepass & messed things all up. Had my first bit of freedom in 11 months & I ruined it by trying drugs. I just couldn't help it. I can remember my drug consuler asking me why? I couldn't answer that. I didn't want to. So from there on, I was in rehab as well. I thought no matter what they told me, I was & could do why I wanted & that I could stop any time I wanted. I was 17 at this time, I still thought about doing drugs. In my dreams, I was doing them. I'd wake up in cold sweats & feel like I had just did some. It was so bad, I could taste it. I then realized, I needed help. I just didn't want to do it anymore. I started doing my treatment & even got another homepass & though it was very tempting, I didn't try anything. I realized I was at a low in my life, & I thought I could fill the void I was feeling with drugs. I had hurt more people than just myself. I was finally going to get released.. Then the worst thing happened to me. My brother was shot. He got shot in the temple & was clinically brain dead. I lost it, all I can remember is I tore my cottage apart. I flipped tables, broke mirrors, punch holes in the walls & terrorized my room. I lost my bestfriend. I couldn't brush it off that I had just talked to him that day he was shot. I couldn't wrap it around my mind. I just couldn't. & I wanted the drug more than ever.. I went to court later that week & to my surprise, I was released to my mother. I just remembering looking up & some odd reason, I could feel my brother by my side. I knew then he wanted me to prove I could change & I could do better. With the pain of losing my either & adjusting to being home again... Temptations grew harder & harder. I got into a group. I didn't want to live that life, I was too young. I wanted better for myself. But it was like apart of me still wanted the drug. I never tried the drug again & still haven't. I am 19 years old now & have been clean for two years now in January. I don't think about using, I have a great support system, & couldn't ask for better. I do what I can to help others, because that is not ah life to live. It ruins you. Takes from you. Hurts you. Kills you. Makes you weak. Makes you dependent on it. Like you can't live without it. I never want to go through that again.