Starting the road to recovery at the ripe age of 22 can be looked at in two different ways.? One is that I was going to miss out on a lot of fantastic parties, social events and fantastic stories to add onto my collection of memorables, or memorable to the spectators but not to me.? Or it can be looked at as a gift that I had my whole life in front of me.

I thought, and still think I am pretty awesome.? At the same time I suffer from low self esteem.? It is weird that I can be confident and yet have so much trepidation.? I went to a good college, played division one soccer and was always held myself up to very high standards.

I knew before I even got to college that I was an alcoholic, yet I wasn't ready to give it up.? I apparently had a lot of damage to do which I did and than some.? I eventually got kicked off my soccer team, couldn't even make it to class without chugging a pint of vodka and my standards for life in general were non existent.? By my senior year in college I locked myself in my bedroom, used a waste basket as a toilet and than my rug when that was full, knocked out my four front teeth and forget about showering and brushing my teeth (the ones that were left anyways).

My friends held interventions, my mom cried, and I drank passed out and drank again.

Today is a different story.? I am 26, living on my own in Manhattan which has always been my dream and finally finding out who I am. I realized that I had enough drunk stories to last me 2 lifetimes and that I simply didn't need it anymore.? The road to where I am now wasn't easy and wasn't without a few bumps.? I had relasped after rehab and went back out for 8 months.? Why, I don't know.? Maybe to prove that I couldnt be a once a week drinker which I promised I would be! My "story" is long and sad and funny and oh so "made for tv" as every addict likes to think.? But my point to it all is simple... learn to love life. Anything about life, just hold on to it.? The first time someone tells you how awesome your doing after just 24 hours of not picking up, your parents crying saying how proud you are, or maybe it is just you waking up that first morning without the cold sweats, not shaking or throwing up and realizing you can get through this!?Oh god those sweats were?the worst!

You have the right to be happy and to live a life of not having to worry about where you will get your next hit, fix, drink.? I remember going through the couch cushions for change and handing over nickles and dimes at the liquor store and thinking that, that was okay. I remember holidays when I would have to sneak cups of vodka and bring it to the bathroom to chug and than blacking out midway through dinner.

Life is beautiful.? Take a walk through it.? You can always pick back up and hide, but I promise there is just way too much out there, way too much to do, and people here to support addicts and alcoholics that if you really want recovery, love, happiness than it is all yours for the taking! So take it and if you are in recovery, share it.

All my love,

Jillian