Once an addict, always an addict
I grew up an only child, with no dad, in a good neighborhood. My mom worked very hard. I grew up a caretaker, first my grandmother, then my aunt, and this continued. I felt too tall, to dark, not right in my own skin. Everyone on my block had a mom and dad, I have no dad. My childhood was great, I was born out of wedlock, so that separated me from all the other kids. In the 9th grade we were walking to school and a friend said to me try this stuff, it was weed. I remember the trees moving and laughing alot. That was the beginning of the end for me. I smoked weed al the time. My girlfriends would drink, I would smoke. Well eventually I started to drink. I started to hang out in the city, and before u knew it , I was free=basing. By now I had dropped out of school, and was hanging out in the projects. I had a moment of sanity and went and got my GED. Still using, I got a job on wall street, great job, worked many years as a functional addict, cocaine, booze, pills. I was open to anything. Then I was assaulted, and thought I would lose my mind. I finally recovered and went back to work. I was in such emotional pain, so one day another friend said try this, it was dope and I never tried it, well I got so high at work that they sent me home. That really was the beginning of the end. I put all other drugs down, and just used dope. I remember after doing it for about 13 days straight, on this particular day I did not want to use dope, my legs started to hurt, my eyes were tearing, my nose running, I was dope sick.Now remember I had no clue about this drug and did not know what dope sick was, well I found out. I was hooked. This went on for years, disapointed my children and did terrible things to get my drugs, ruined alot of relationships. My mother got a court order and removed me from her home. I became homeless and my x-husband took my girls. It was horrible, I continued, then after spending a night on a bench, I went to detox, I did not understand a thing but I stayed thru Thanksgiving, X-mas and New Years. Then I went to a 30 day rehab, i needed distance from the drug. Prior to this I had attempted to get clean so many times. I must have been in about 15 detox's, after the 3rd day I would sign out, swearing I would not use, and the first thing I did was get hig, I remember looking in the mirror and crying and using. I could not stop. After the 30 day program I went to a half way house in Spanish Harlem. There were drugs all over. I had reached my end. Friends were overdosing, I knew I needed to change, I truly believed the lie, Once a Junkie alwasys a Junkie. I am here to tell u, that is what it is a lie. I started to got meetings, Narcotics Anonymous and that is what really helped me. I was so nervous to go, and I thought, you were not nervous to go to the cop spots at 9pm at night in the most dangerous neighborhoods, I earned the trust of my mother back and she eventually let me back in. I went to the meetings every day. I sat up front, but kept relapsing. I now know that the reason for that is that I did not accept that I was an addict I could raise my hand and say it. In my heart I did not really believe it, so in and out of detox I went as well as rehab. One day I cried out to God and this time it came straight from my heart. I said please help me, I am going to die. I heard a small voice say, I have carried u all this time, my child. Well went to my last detox and got busy, went to outpatient, and I was living in the projects, and people were using all around me. I would just stick with the people who were not using drugs. I remember one day waiting for a friend from the meetings to pick me up and about 6 diffeent dealers came to me and said, got the good stuff. I had abused myself enough and I refused to keep making these people rich while I did not have a nickle in my pocket. Well one day turned to two, and so on.I really got involved with Narcotics Anonymous. It was scary to raise my hand and talk about wanting to get high, but I did it. I remembered my tears, looking in that mirror. God was sure helping me with courage. I stayed connected to the people in Narcotics Anonymous, there were picniccc's, dances, bowling, I found a new way to live. I got really involved and started going up to detox and talking to the people in there, so I would never forget where I came from. It felt right to help another person with the same problem as me. Then I celebrated 1 year, 2, year, 2 year and on and on. I live one day at a time. I do not use. one day at a time. God and Narcotics Anonymous changed my life.I attend church and still go to meetings, now I have a whole bunche of friends who do not use drugs. Listen it was not easy, by no means at all. The first time I had to call a stranger and talk, well I was so scared.Again I drew the strength from my negative experiences while I was using. We all have our war stories, just one I want to share with u.I was in a wheel chair, and so determined to use, took a cab in the snow and got to the destination. Hopped out, 2 guys took me into a building, took my money and put a gun to my head. I do not want to live like this anymore, and Iam living proof u do not have to either. Just give yourself a break and do it, when your mind says I have to use, it is a lie. The thought goes away once you are detoxed. Go to the 30 day program and then the rehab, i stated earlier I needed to get away from people, places and things. What is 30 days, just a flash of life. My life today is simple. I have found peace within. Love, joy, and I have gainged such wonderful friends thru this process. If I could do it so can you. One thing I must say is It is easier to stay clean then to to get clean. This means once you are detoxed and have no more chemicals in you. your thinking is clearer and our on your way to sleeping better, etc If you get clean and use again it gets harder and harder. Time goes by so fast and before uyou know it, well I think you get it. Change your friends, the one's who are wearing new kicks, and clothes, etc with your money. I wish I would have known about this new way of life a long time ago. I know now and so do u. Please take this seriously, if u just think for a moment all the people wo have died due to this disease, Michael Jackson., Amy Whinehouse, Whitney Houston, the list goes on and on. We are the lucky ones. WE have a chance. I hope that my story will help someone. God Bless, oh and if God is to tough for uright now, try Good Ordely Direction - GOD - Group of Drug Addicts GOD, Group of Drunks - GOD, there was always a GOD looking out for me because I put myself insome sick positions and I never got arrested or hurt, only thru the Grace of God go I. God loves you and so do I, you will find the freedom u are looking for if u just surrender. Afriend of mine with about 27 years clean told me this when I first went to the meetings and I keep it close to my heart. Put your Ego and your Pride in your back pocket and get God centered.
This Story of Hope was created in celebration of recovery and to let families know that there are pathways to hope and healing. The Partnership for Drug-Free Kids is the only nonprofit organization dedicated to helping families who are struggling with their son or daughter's substance use. Please consider sharing this page so that families know where to turn to for help, and that there is always hope.