Teams and Fundraisers

Select A Team:

Donate Login
Edit in profile section

Anxiety, Insecurity and Self loathing

Created by

Anxiety, Insecurity and Self loathing

I was born into an addicted family.?Both my parents were actively using alcohol and various street drugs. I do not ever remember being in the company of sober people as a child. I learned the only coping mechanism to be taught by addicts -- use?a substance.

I do remember swearing to myself and the universe that I would never use like they did. I made this oath in witness of? the extreme physical violence in which I witnessed on a constant basis. I took my first drink of alcohol at the age of 15. The minute the drink began to take affect I knew I had found my solution. In an instant, the anxiety, insecurity, self loathing all disappeared. I drank alcoholically from that moment on. Started weekend binge drinking and using marijuana. It didn't take long at all until I began daily drinking.

Soon I learned if I were to use cocaine or methamphetamine I could drink more and longer. I immediately got into legal trouble. At sixteen I started going to jail and had my first? probation officer and many more after that. I went to jail?26 times before I was 23 and twice a?year every year after that. Whether I needed it or not. I was in treatment in a hospital at 25 yrs. old. I did not follow the suggestion of 12 step recovery at discharge and soon began drinking again.

I have come to in different states (black-out drinking) and once came to in the middle of a murder investigation where I was the prime suspect. I did not murder that man and the way that I was sure of that was that I did not black out for at least 10 hours of seeing him last.? Not a good defense but the only one I had. After 8 grueling hours of interrogation I was cleared.

I have overdosed on alcohol and come to in a hospital bed and in emergency rooms with breaks and lacerations.? Wrecked cars --?my own and others. I either could not or would not associate any of these consequences to my drinking. I thought it was just bad luck.

In?23 years of drinking and drugging I did not believe that I could ever get sober and was resigned to dying an alcoholic death.The anxiety, insecurity and self loathing had returned. I had gone to Twelve-Step Recovery in the past but did not? stay sober/clean, although in retrospect, I hadn't done one thing that was suggested in those earlier years of my addiction.

After a moment of clarity in June of 2001 I was able to connect the consequences of my behavior and the addiction. I tried AA again. I went to that first meeting willing at last to do ANYTHING that was suggested of me. I got a sponsor and I worked the steps.I attended meetings regularly. I made new friends, friends that didn't drink or use. I got involved.?I learned to pray and meditate to a god of my understanding. My life gradually got better.

At my?one-year anniversary a fellow member told me that they weren't too sure about me when I first came in, being in the late stages of alcoholism and all. I had no idea, as alcohol and drugs are such liars. I thought i still looked great and that I had it going on.

My life even with its up and downs is better today than I could have ever imagened for myself. I came into program so tired, beaten-down, broken and homeless. I had been drinking with America s most-wanted on tailgates all across America.

Today I am a descent human being who has a genuine zest for life. I am the Director of Transitional Recovery Housing that includes residents on?doctor-prescribed medication, one of the only in my city.? I have become part of the solution and happy to say I have not even had a traffic ticket in twelve years. I have a home and the respect of my family and friends. I thank?the men and women in AA who came before me. They have taught me through their experience, strength and hope how to have a life worth living.



Partners for Hope raise critical funds on behalf Partnership to End Addiction – the nation’s leading organization dedicated to addiction prevention, treatment and recovery. Every dollar raised on behalf of the Partnership* will help ensure free, personalized family support resources, including our national helpline, peer-to-peer parent coaching, customized online tools and community education programs, can reach those who need them most. Please consider donating to this fundraiser and sharing this page.

*Donations made to Partnership to End Addiction are tax deductible to the extent allowed by law. All contributions are fully tax-deductible, as no goods or services are provided in consideration in whole, or in part, of any contribution to this nonprofit organization.  EIN: 52-1736502

Guest Book

Comments

1. Julie
Thank you for sharing your story, Lucky -- congratulations on your recovery!