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It Would Never Be Enough

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It Would Never Be Enough

Hi. My name is Kelly and I am an addict. I say that with pride today because I am a recovering addict. I am a 44 year old mother of 3, wife of 20 years, employee, co-worker, daughter, sister, granddaughter and friend. All of which I was terrible at up until now. I am learning how to be better.? A better me.

I grew up with pothead parents. A mother who cheated and lied to my father. An emotionally absent father. Thought that was just the norm. They were young parents and didn't know any better. They did the best with what they had. I know that now. I took all that into my teenage and adult life. I always wanted to impress people so they would like me. I used my mom's pot, money and my body to try to make people like me. Especially men. Love (or what I thought was love) was probably the biggest drug to me. Acceptance.

It was never enough. I never had enough drugs to mask my pain. I could never drink enough to numb me. I never got enough attention to make me feel worthwhile and fill my emptiness. I never felt good enough.

I got married to a non-addict. Thought he was saving me and taking me away from all that but I took myself right along with me. He didn't like me smoking pot so I turned to my mom's pain killers. That tuned into a 16 year opiate addiction. I was obsessed and could think of nothing else. It's not the only drug I used but certainly my drug of choice. Mom, doctors, family and friends' med cabinets, favors for men. I did what I had to do.

I almost lost my family over my choices. Choices I wouldn't have made it weren't for this disease and my active addiction. I surrendered...THANK GOD! I was so tired. Tired of existing. I couldn't go on anymore. I couldn't be who I had become anymore. I decided to go into treatment. It was 32 days at an inpatient facility. It saved my life. It saved my family. I did what I was told to do when I got out. I went to a meeting, I did a 90 and 90, I got a sponsor, a network, I used the phone to tell people I was struggling no matter how hard it was. No matter what my head told me I kept doing the suggestions. And I am not perfect by any means. Still make bad choices and decisions but today I am thinking of how my actions affect others and my family. It's not all about me anymore.

I didn't know how to be a good partner for my husband or mother for my children. I work at that everyday now and learn from the people in the 12 step fellowship I am in. There is no other feeling in the world than that of walking in a room full of people who feel and think the way you do and know what you are going through. I have been clean over 5 years now and I never want to go back.

I saw the signs in rehab that said "Peace and Serenity". That is all I ever wanted in my life and today I have that. I'd say 85% of the time I have that. Its my choice and I never have to feel the way I did ever again.


This Story of Hope was created in celebration of recovery and to let families know that there are pathways to hope and healing. The Partnership for Drug-Free Kids is the only nonprofit organization dedicated to helping families who are struggling with their son or daughter's substance use. Please consider sharing this page so that families know where to turn to for help, and that there is always hope.

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Comments

1. Kelly C
Yes Jennifer, I did suffer with both. I had no coping skills with all the feelings, wreckage and life on life terms. It's gotten easier. I pray, use the phone. Try to use the tos I learned with the anxiety. The depression is a little harder. Sometimes I just have to hold on and wait til it passes. The greatest part is I'm not alone. I talk to other people in recovery and find they suffer too. I'm never alone today :)
2. Jennifer
Thank you so much for sharing. I've been doing NA meetings also. The hardest thing for me is the awful depression/anxiety I've been dealing with since getting clean. Did you struggle with that after getting clean?
3. Mark P.
Kelly, this is beautifully written and very touching. I am grateful you are in my life and join me in a love for that 12-step fellowship.
4. Tyler
Just wanted to say GREAT JOB on ur final choice about drugs! Very proud, and your family looks very happy as well
5. Jane
Thank you for saring! I love that happy picture that you included. What a nice sentiment :)