During my career as an alcoholic there wasn"t a specific moment were I quit entirely. There was also never a period where I tried to limit or control the amount of my usage. I drank when I felt like it and I drank to get drunk. Id would drink until I had felt a certain level of drunkenness I desired, usually past a point that was ‘normal" or I"d pass out. Towards the end, well maybe way before that, my tolerance was so high I could out drink the contents of a bar and not feel drunk. Certain times I wouldn"t allow myself to drink before work or wait until the sun set. But every moment in between that and the time I would use my mind was occupied with the thought of drinking.
Many times, a lot of times, I"d give into the standard I had set for myself, and began drinking before I reached it. I"m sure I had set myself those 2 drink rules, 'I"m only going to have a few and go home!' But I was lying to myself or to whomever I had to so I could drink. There was no such thing as just having a few for me. Many of us alcoholics consider our drinking as an allergy- that itch you just need to scratch. Well I would itch a lot and I"d dig through my skin to get it out!
When I was in high school I experimented with all kinds of different drugs. Mostly marijuana but I had stints of using others; my drinking wasn"t an issue then. I began drinking heavily to cope with a break up. But once I had gotten over those feelings I was left with a very severe problem, the need to have a drink. This went on for years and my drinking continually and progressively got worse. I flunked out of college, got a DUI, lost my driver"s license, spent a few nights in jail and lost a few jobs. I loved hard and lived fast. But I never once blamed these crises on my drinking. Everything was cool, I was in control, and I needed no one. . . After a while I could not disguise my drinking to co-workers, to friends, to family or to even strangers. Only a handful of people really knew how severe my problem really was.
Many of us alcoholics discuss that rock bottom, I had reached mine. I was involved in a toxic kind of love that ended badly, my son was taken into social services, I lost my job, and I lost my place to live. My house of cards had tumbled and I was left with nothing and no one. My situation, my life, was not at all desirable, attractive, or exciting. After a certain period of sobriety it really set in how big headed I acted and how naive I was in believing the things that I believed about myself. I had no self-esteem, no respect for myself, and I was arrogant. The desire to better my life and myself as a human being came first. The desire to quit drinking came second.
I was told when my son became a ward of the state that I needed to be my son's superhero. I liked the sound fo that. It's been over a year since I had my last drink, and since then I've become the sole gauardian of my son. I needed him as much as he needed me, and I have to say: this life, this sober life as a Dad is pretty super!!