My mother Karen Jean Sweeney died alone after a deadly dose of Methadone. She was found hours later by her older sister, my Aunt Pam. It was January 30th, 2009. A day I still cannot stop from playing over and over in my mind. I am still aching and trying to find peace from knowing she is no longer suffering. I cannot share as much as I should, but it's too soon. I had just spoken to my mom the day before on Instant Message. We had the best conversation, with laughter and love. She had been on a "binge" for a couple of weeks and had just been released from the county jail for driving while intoxicated on Heroin. I believe she spent two weeks or so in jail. She had been out of jail for a few days and the family was watching her closely. She was in great spirits, but heavily quilted and ashamed of herself. I am the oldest sibling, 34 years old. My sisters are 27 years old and 28 years old. My mom continued to tell me how sorry she was for the last "binge" (I think this last one really hit her hard because she had been doing so well for so long, living with her oldest sister and waking tall with Christ). One consistent fact about my mother was her deep rooted love of Christ and she could quote scripture in an instant. This was her battle between good and evil. It was either all church or all drugs. I gave her words of encouragement that day (day before her death). I told her to keep her head up and take it one day at a time. To not be ashamed, but rather take this opportunity to make yourself well. My mother and I had NO relationship for many years when I was growing up. I hated her because of the poison that was fed to me by her stepmother. I truly grew up believing my mom was this evil being. By the grace of God, as I grew into a woman and had children of my own, my feelings toward her became unconditional love and support. She was beginning to really know my daughter Hunter, who is 10 years old. They were forming a bond and I can happily say, although my mother died from Methadone, my daughter Hunter has nothing but wonderful memories of my mother. After our conversation that day, she spoke to Hunter on Instant Message and then said good bye. That was it. The next day, I had an empty feeling and was not quite sure what it was. I had a feeling of darkness about to hit my family. I was the last person to be notified of my mother's death. I noticed my phone had several calls and since my day had been busy, I did not answer. At the time I was scrolling down noticing the calls, the dark feeling overwhelmed me and I knew my mother was gone. Just then, my little sister called and told me our mother was found alone, dead. My life changed in an instant. My appearance changed. I have not been the same since and likely will never again be the same. I often wish that day was just a nightmare and I will wake up soon. I try to be strong for my husband, kids and family; but inside my heart aches and my mind doesn't rest. I try not to talk about her because it seems to make people uncomfortable.
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