Saved, Sober and Sitting Pretty
Majority of my life I wandered aimlessly trying to fit in with my peers and to be understood. Growing up without my biological father left me vulnerable, and feeling as though I wasn’t good enough for anything. As a young girl I battled with low self-esteem, hopelessness, abandonment, and the desire to be accepted by anyone that would pay me some attention.
That desire lead me into engaging in sexual intercourse at a very early age, but in attempt to not feel completely guilty about my behavior I began to consume alcohol at the age of 19. My first encounter with alcohol and my first experience with intoxication were at a frat party while being in college. Now I know that the mere thought of intoxication is easily frowned upon, but intoxication became my new normal, and if I can be completely honest…I LOVED it. Alcohol was it, it was easily accessible, and the good part is I could consume it in front of most people without it raising much question like drugs or a gambling addiction would, so drinking was easy to get away with whether drinking socially, or drinking to drown literally. Alcohol became my drug of choice, it was my Novocain, and it numbed everything.
Instead of using my voice to speak about my issues I used and abused alcohol as my coping mechanism. Alcohol provided the liquid courage to do and say things that I would never be bold enough to say if I was sober. I eventually reached a point in my alcohol dependency where I believed that I was my best self under the influence. I had to be under the influence to perform well; I believed that I had to be intoxicated to even be around other people, to be accepted. My insecurities were so loud, that if my confidence wanted to show up it wouldn’t stand a chance. I was bold, brave and fearless under the influence but in reality I was dying on the inside, and no one took notice. I was full of hope and dreams, but the dreamer often lost to the self-destructive behavior of the alcoholic.
I was completely comfortable in my dysfunction. Up until January 23rd, 2015 when I woke up to my then 7 year old son crying beside my bed, asking, “Mommy were you sick last night?” I responded, “No baby, why?” as I stepped out of bed into a puddle of my own vomit. I knew in that instance that enough was enough. I had to stop drinking. I didn’t know how, and to be honest, I didn’t even believe that it was possible. It was indeed POSSIBLE! I am living proof the sobriety wants to offer us a brand new life and I have been living that life for 29 months!!
To anyone that may be currently struggling with alcohol or new on your journey of sobriety, Be kind to yourself!! Don’t become overwhelmed with the thoughts of what may happen tomorrow, next week, or next month! Recovery is a marathon, not a sprint so take it one day at a time and remember to celebrate your small victories along the way!!
I am now a Certified Recovery Coach, Entrepreneur, and Founder of P.A.C.E (Prevent Alcohol Consumption & Educate) Yourself Youth Foundation.
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