My Happy Life
I was an alcoholic before I ever picked up a drink. I had alcoholic tendencies, I was self-centered, selfish, a compulsive liar, a bully, and extremely manipulative. As a child, although I was popular, I never really felt like I fit in. I always felt different. I felt like I missed the day in Kindergarten when the teacher handed out "the how to live your life manual". As I've gotten sober I have learned these are my "character defects," I didn't know it then, but I know now.
My friends actually made up a club when I was in 5th grade called the JIABUC club. It stands for Jaime Is A B**ch Unanimous Club. Yes, I was only in 5th grade. However, looking back, I can't blame them. I constantly made up these horrific lies to get attention, I needed all eyes on me, such as "my grandma is dying." After my 10th grandma died they would call me out and say how it's impossible to have that many grandmas, but I stuck to my guns insisting it was true. I needed everything to be about me. I look back and think "wow what a little alcoholic I was". I believe this club my friends formed speaks volumes about my disease, I believe I was born an alcoholic. I don't believe that's true for everyone, but I do believe that's true for me.
My first drink was when I was 13, that was also my first drunk. I remember loving the feeling of being completely out of control. It feels normal to be out of my mind drunk, it feels ABNORMAL to me to live in a sober state. From that day on, I never took a drink and not got drunk. I still don't understand why people would drink and not get drunk. That does not make sense to this alcoholic. I would chase the feeling I got when drunk, I couldn't get enough! I was funnier, sexier, smarter, lets be real, I felt like a rock star! I never wanted that feeling to go away. I chased that feeling until I was 27 years old.
However, eventually it stopped being fun. It became a necessity, I started to drink to live and at the same time it was killing me. Withdrawal started when I was about 25. The last 2 years of my drinking were pure hell. Death started to look like a comforting option. After 6 hours of not drinking I would physically get sick; I vomited, I'd shake, I would sweat uncontrollably, and sometimes I'd even hallucinate. Drinking was no longer fun, it became an obsession. My life was revolving around alcohol. I was powerless and my life had become unmanageable. Monday November 22nd, 2010, I decided this was it. I was ready for it to end...my life that is. I had a giant bottle of vodka under my bed and I told myself I would drink the entire thing and hopefully just not wake up in the morning.
Because of God's grace, I woke up the next morning and I was disappointed, I hadn't actually had the guts to pull it off myself, I was weak, that's how I viewed it. At work that Tuesday morning I vomited all over myself in the bathroom and missed the toilet. As I was cleaning myself up, spraying myself with Lysol, I saw myself in the mirror, in a way I had never seen myself before. I call it an outer body experience. I can't exactly explain what happened to me, it was a spiritual experience, and I saw God in the mirror that day.
After that moment in the mirror I decided, with Gods help, to go to rehab. Since Thanksgiving was Thursday I wanted to spend it with my family and vowed to go to Rehab first thing Friday morning. That Friday morning was November 26th, 2010, my first day without an alcoholic beverage.
I am amazed on a daily basis of the beauty in this world. My willingness to get sober was so strong because I wanted to live! I was told I could live happy, joyous, and free! I wanted that! I had no idea what that could feel like, and I was willing to go to any lengths to get it. My attitude is one of gratitude. I am extremely blessed to be sober. I have learned so much about myself in sobriety and now my focus is on others and helping them. I no longer live in my selfish ways. I am far from perfect but I do my best on a daily basis. It is the most incredible feeling to live in real happiness and be free from my obsession of alcohol.
I am living happy, joyous, and free, and you can too!
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