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I won't give up..

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I won't give up..

I dont even know how to start. Its unbelievable to me how I'm on this website writing a drug story. My drug story - we've all been there. We are all here for a reason. I might not know any of you personally but as I read your stories I can't help but feel an emotion of joy that you've all found a way to stay clean. Some of you might be saying "girl, you're supposed to write a message of hope " I know, but I have nowhere else to turn.

I'm 17 years old. I am an only child. It's just me and my mom living next door to my aunt, uncle and two cousins. When I was 2 my dad was arrested and deported. I never knew why but now I do. Charges for sexually abusing a family member and domestic violence. It was hard to find that out obviously.

I didn't grow up with that much of a difficulty. My life was pretty easy. But it was the fact that I hardly saw my mom because she was always working, which she still is now, that hurt. My aunt took care of me. She's one of those strict people. I don't hate her. The bad thing about her though is she controls my mom. She tells her how to control me. Since we live under her roof my mom does what she says to keep it cool with her. That stresses me out.

Anyways I started doing drugs in 8th grade. Started drinking in 7th. Not so bad right?  Well here's what's bad. I'm the kind of person that doesn't quite think before they act.  Curiosity led me to use inhalants, ecstasy, weed, cocaine, prescribed drugs, and crystal meth. I never got addicted to any.  I was strong. I said to myself "I'm not going to get addicted." And I didn't.

Well, so I thought. I didn't do drugs to fit in with people. I just found it boring to be normal throughout the day. I don't know if that makes sense. Probably doesn't. Also since I'm really shy, drugs and alcohol made it easier for me to talk to people.

Anyway, I developed a drinking problem a few months ago. I was drinking a lot when I went out and I found the urge to drink at home. I drank up to 2 bottles of tequila, chugged beer and wine bottles like nothing at home. I would come home drunk and of course I upset my family. My mom was both furious and heartbroken. She knew I had a problem so she understood and helped me. I've had the confidence to tell her the truth, that I smoked weed, popped pills and used inhalants in the past. But if there is one thing I can't bring myself to tell her is that I've done crystal meth - correction - that I'm doing crystal meth.

It's been 2 years. I've stolen large amounts of money to buy it. Her money. Do you know how horrible that feels? I mean she breaks her back everyday to support me and I steal it - hard worked money. It's like I'm throwing away the time we could've spent together instead of her being at work. I'm not only killing myself but I'm killing her as well.

It's scary how when I steal or use it doesn't seem wrong to me when I do it. It's like a normal thing to me. It's disgusting, its horrible. It's inhumane. I'm a monster. I disgust myself but I can't stop.

I can't bring myself to flush it down the toilet or destroy my pookie like I've done before. I'll go crazy. I'm going crazy.

my family doesn't know I do it so they can't help me. I tell "friends" but they don't understand. All they do is judge. There's only one person I know that was a user like me but I can't trust him. Last week I did the mistake of relying on him to sell my piece and shit but he ended up doing it himself. This other guy I've known since elementary, I don't want to be around him because I don't want to influence him to use again. He just got out of rehab. And I used with him when he got out. I can't tell him to stop because I'm no one to tell him; I'm just as fucked up as him or worse.

I'm so violent. Yesterday I almost hurt my cousin! And what'd she do? She had my phone. That's all. I almost lost my close friend last week because i didn't want to go out with her. I've lost the joy to go out. I've lost the ability to sing. The only talent I feel proud of is now gone because of this shit. I feel like an addict because I do it everyday.  Everyday. I can't sleep i can't eat. I understand that maybe you weren't or aren't as bad as me. Stealing from your mom who has done nothing but sacrifice everything for you and love you.  Maybe you have Idk.  This is the first time i tell anybody this.  The complete truth. But I share my current story with you because I need your help. I need help from someone who has gone through what I'm going through right now. I don't want to be this monster anymore but Its not in my control to stop right now. Meth is telling me I'm not.  Even though im breaking my family's heart  for doing it, I wanna stop before I mess everything up completely. I don't want to end up in a rehab or jail. I can't let myself. I don't want my mom to see me there..  I can't give up. I need to understand meth doesn't control me.  (Sigh)..

I hope you can share some of the hope you all found with me.. I know this is (the hope share) but i came here seeking for hope and I hope I can find it..

This Story of Hope was created in celebration of recovery and to let families know that there are pathways to hope and healing. The Partnership for Drug-Free Kids is the only nonprofit organization dedicated to helping families who are struggling with their son or daughter's substance use. Please consider sharing this page so that families know where to turn to for help, and that there is always hope.

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