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My Sons addiction=My pain

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My Sons addiction=My pain

My son is an addict in recovery. That is my peace for today. Each day I hope for that same peace for each day my son must make his choice, whether to use or whether to stay clean in recovery. Why does his choice equal my peace? Because if my son makes the choice to use my hell and his starts all over again. My fear of "will today be the day my son dies?" The life of an addict is not fun, I have seen the life of an addict watching my son. Watching him slowly morph into the addict who cares only about his drugs.

You see my son has a choice, but only one choice for once he makes the choice to use his will is no longer his own. That is what people don't understand. That is why people who don't understand addiction to be a horrific disease think that the addict gets what they deserve when they overdose. For some an overdose is an end to a long life of pain and suffering. But although the addicts pain is over, the pain of their loved ones has only just begun. For those left behind it is a life filled with a loss and a void, especially when it is someone's child that dies. This is where the parents and loved ones fill the void of their missing child with thoughts of guilt and regret for what they maybe could have done to prevent it.

I am one of the lucky ones. I have not lost my son and through my son's years of addiction I have been able to ask all these questions and get answers from my son. If my son loses his battle to addiction I will at least know that I did everything I could to help him, because he has told me this. He knows I love him and I know he loves me. I know he isn't choosing addiction over his family. I know that when he starts using his drug of choice, Heroin, that within days my son is lost to his addiction and unless he can somehow find the strength to overcome the addiction and get clean again that my son is lost. I hate the addiction I truly do, but I love my son with all my heart. I would do anything to help my son stay clean and he knows that. But he must make that choice every day.

For those that have lost their child please know this, you did what you could to help your child, you loved them. They know you loved them. My son speaks for other addicts, he tells parents not to live with guilt. You did not cause the addiction. It is not your fault. From his 6 years living with addiction and in rehab, jail, meetings, hospitals, etc he has spoken to hundreds of addicts and they all share very similar stories and my son tells me this, many of the addicts he has known felt something missing for much of their lives, not anything that anyone else could have filled, but somehow the drugs fill it. My son begs parents to not live in guilt and regret but to remember their child in happy times. Don't remember the addict remember your child.

Each parent makes choices and the only one that can tell them if their choice is right or wrong is themselves. Do not judge the addict or the parent of the addict. I made the choice to go with tough love and kick my son out of my home, no one could tell me that choice was right or wrong but me. I had to live with my choice therefore it is mine to judge. Not everyone can do what I did and live with it. For me it helped, my son hit bottom and ended up in jail and then in rehab. He is 5 months in to a 6 month program and for today he is making it and for today I am at peace. But each parent has to find their own peace and make their own choice just as the addict must find theirs and make their choice each day. My son is an addict in recovery and that is my peace for today.


This Story of Hope was created in celebration of recovery and to let families know that there are pathways to hope and healing. The Partnership for Drug-Free Kids is the only nonprofit organization dedicated to helping families who are struggling with their son or daughter's substance use. Please consider sharing this page so that families know where to turn to for help, and that there is always hope.

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Comments

1. Julie
Thank you for sharing your story with us, Diana. Sending lots of love your way.
2. Christi
My son is a slave to OxyContin. He started out with a legal prescription but soon found out he was addicted. When he couldn't get a legal prescription he resorted to prescription fraud and eventually robbery. It is a sad situation ... A college graduate now in prison due to his overpowering addiction. I pray everyday that he stays on the positive track while he is on the inside.
3. Eileen
Only another parent living similar to your story. We, parents of addicts live in fear. And pray please not this time. Hugs to you strong mom. Thank you Diana for sharing.
4. Diana Presta
Hello all and thank you for your comments on my story. It is ups and downs and changes all the time. My son was 5 days from graduating from 6 month rehab and was re-arrested on an old case. He is now looking at serious time. I take solace in the fact that he has not let this take away his sobriety or his hope. He told me the other day "Mom I have spent my entire life looking for happiness. I tried drugs I tried everything. Now I finally realize the happiness lies within myself and only I can make my happiness a reality" I was so proud because he finally got it. He always talked about The Pursuit of Happiness and is that all life is just a pursuit to find happiness? He is in jail, his freedom taken away, but in all this he found his happiness and knows that if he stays clean he can continue to live in happiness with himself. Hang in there everyone, there is hope, even in the darkest hours.
5. Caroline
I found great solace in your writing. My daughter, just 18, was in rehab for 2 months and relapsed after a week. You are correct, my hell begins again. I am doing my best to keep peace in my soul and I am glad I read your story. May your son make the good, living choice every day. Thanks for your honesty.
6. Christina
Thank you so much for sharing your story...Like you, my mother is one of the lucky ones. I am a recovering heroin addict coming up on four years clean. And like your son, i have to make the decision every day whether i use or not. Today, I choose not to. i applaud your strength, my mother practiced the same "tough love" and i believe that i would have never reached my bottom had she not. There wasn't anything that she could have done to help me, but let me find my own way. I am grateful i was able to find the way. i wish you and your son the best. I know for me, i could not have made it without meetings, a sponsor, and getting involved with other recovering addicts. Thank you again!
7. Michael Meade
Hey this made me tear up because you sound so similar to my mother. I still can't believe what I've done to my family and I'm sure neither can he. If you feel like talking to someone who's done it and come back out a better person you can get my number from my story, I'll put the link in here. I've got some tips and recomendations that would help him a lot when he comes out of his program. I did the same things, went to a level 6 program, which I'm guessing is what he's in since you said 6 months. Give me a call or tex if you want to. I can help you guys through this.
8. Cherie
My heart breaks for you because i have been where you are, living the same nightmare. No body knows how painful it is for moms unless you have been in this situation. I do want to share something with you, you are right when you say they are trying to fill a void in their lives and they think the drug will work but we all know it doesn't. It only make things worse and in some cases destroys their lives. The only thing that WILL fill that void is a relationship with the living God who loves and has a plan for their lives. This is what has happened for my son. He is doing fantastic, has hope for the future and understands that God loves him and will give him the tools he needs to be successful and lead a drug free life. It is a choice he has had to make and it has set him free !!! God bless you. God is there for you and your son, he is loving and forgiving. Just look for him and you will find him
9. David Z
Very sorry for what you have to go thru. I'm sure every day is very difficult.