I gave up my freedom in more ways than one.
Hi, My name is Oscar & I'm a grateful addict in recovery. My story is way too long to post but I will try my best to give you my experience, strength & hope in a few lines. I've been sexually, emotionally & physically abused as a child & although it screwed me up big time that tragic experience did not make me addict. Although you couldn't have told me that prior to having experienced the freedom that I now experience a day at a time which I found through the fellowship of a 12 step program. I know today that ever since I was a boy I always felt less than, inadequate, & lonely. Even in a room filled with people who loved me. The only thing that ever made me feel whole was alcohol & drugs just to name 2 things that made me feel better temporarily. It's safe to say that in the beginning it was my solution to my problem. It stopped me from committing suicide even though I was slowly killing myself anyway. I started to do things that would feed my addiction not only through using but through my shame. I started to sell myself, my belongings & those of my family. I started to go to prison, detoxes, rehabs & tc's. My addiction chose what I would do, where I would live, where I would sleep, what I would say, what I would think etc. It owned me. I was a prisoner in or out of prison. I had done a 3yr bid (not my 1st time either). I thought I was good like all of my other attempts at trying to recover from my hopeless state of mind & body. I had resigned myself to the fact that I could never use again, I believed it. You couldn't have told me that I'd ever use again. A lie detector would've showed that I'm telling the truth. I came home, I started to work, I made one 12 step meeting but I did it my way after that. After all I had it licked. Until one day after everything was going great. I found myself at the coke spot copping a 20 after getting a haircut. As I shot this poison into my veins I was saying, "what am I doing and that this isn't me anymore" but it was. I had returned to what I knew would ease my dis-ease (get it). Only by the grace of God did I make it back home that night. Understand that, that is not how I use. I don't stop until I'm stopped. Since then I have surrendered to the program of narcotics anonymous & day to day I surrender to the situations that I can't change. Just like that I can be free everyday for that day. I have 61 days & it's a great reality to know that I'm free as long as I do everyday what is suggested for me to do from people who know not only how to get clean but how to stay clean. Thank you for reading & thank you God for allowing me to do this.
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