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HOPE

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HOPE

I am the middle child of three. I was also considered the black sheep.? I did everything to fit in and? make my mother happy .? My father and mother were divorced when I was 11.? I was very happy because the horrific fights and behind whippings ceased.? Little did I know that my mom after so many years of mental and physical abuse from my so-called father, would take a turn for the worse.? I tried my first taste of alcohol around the age 12..? I didn't care for the burn but the dizzy feeling made me fall in love with it.? I was pretty, funny, could talk to anyone and somewhat felt like I could fit in anywhere whenever I drank.? At age 13, I tried marijuana and WOW I was hooked instantly.? It took me places I never dreamed of.? When I was younger, ( age 6-11 ), I was molested and raped by my uncles and male cousins in the south.? I never told anyone about it in fear that they would not believe me or I would be kicked out.? When I discovered alcohol and drugs, all of those nightmares were suppressed.? I see now that by suppressing these interludes, I caused more damage than good.? At age 19, I lost my first son.? I was in college and living with a 45yr. old man at this time.? I woke up on March 16, 1985 and my son was dead in my bed.? He was 6wks. old .? That same evening I was introduced to crack cocaine and it was the beginning of the end of my life. I was alone when this happened and I believe something transformed in my life that I know now that can never be given back to me.? I drank and drugged for the next 17yrs. non- stop.? I tried the 12 step meetings, was admitted into detoxes, in-patients, and out-patients programs.? Nothing seemed to work.? I even gave birth to 3 beautiful daughters? during my career of addiction.? They were removed from me by the Bereau of Child Welfare; one by one.? I was deemed an unfit mother.? You would think if your babies that you gave birth to would be enough to make you stop...it didn't.? I looked at it as, "well I don't have to worry about them anymore".? I roamed the streets of Brooklyn, N,Y. for 17 more years.? I felt hopeless, disgusted, unloved, worthless, had no self-esteem whatsoever.? Every time I took a hit of the pipe I would hope that it would be the one to take me out.? Unfortunately, that wasn't God's plan for me.? Anyway 17yrs. later I got caught in a sweep in New York.? They were surveilling the block for days and when they came and sccoped up people, I was one of them.? The judge gave me a choice.? She said either I give her a year in an outpatient program or if I took my case to trial and lost, I would go to jail for 7yrs.? I took the outpatient program.? I finished the program and got high on the very next day.? That was 1998.? In Feb. 1999, my boyfriend caught me using and after several chances he left me and moved to P.A.? i was left alone and you know what they say, an addict alone is in bad company.? Thank God he would come by every now and then tosee if I was dead.? I snoked soooo much drugs until it wasn't doing anything for me anymore.? I was just using.? He called me mid- Nov. 2002 and asked if I wanted to come out to P.A and get my life together.? I was READY.? When I reached P.A.? All thoughts of using had vanished.? I couldn't fathom the thought of using or drinking anymore.? Now this is not tosay that because I moved there that that was the solution.? Not by a long shot.? I was just tired of all the pain and crap that was resulting from my using.? Anyway, I didn't go to anymore detoxes or drug programs.? However, I did find GOD.? I found those A.A meetings and being disabled because of my drugging ( leg injury ).? I had no other choice but to get my shit together.? I am going on my 11th year of being clean and sober.? I owe it all to GOD and the help of the people in Alcoholics Anonymous.? There is still a lot of bad days but not like those when I was in New York.? I have since been reunited with my three daughters.? I am a grandma. I have a beautiful son ( 9 ).? I am still with his father.? We go through our stuff but we work it out the best we can.? I have since sponsored women.? I am still very active in the fellowship.

I? can go on and on with drunk and drugalogs but I won't.? It doesn't matter now what we did to get here as long as when we get here STAY here.? I hope I have helped someone today with my story of hope.? It is a day at a time situation.? Surround yourself with positive people.? Change everything. People, places, and things. Whenever you are going through something, call somebody.? Don't try to get through ANYTHING by yourself. I started noticing the blessings and the miracles happening as soon as I stopped questioning and fighting.? GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK!!!


This Story of Hope was created in celebration of recovery and to let families know that there are pathways to hope and healing. The Partnership for Drug-Free Kids is the only nonprofit organization dedicated to helping families who are struggling with their son or daughter's substance use. Please consider sharing this page so that families know where to turn to for help, and that there is always hope.

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