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Life's a battle, why not conquer it

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Life's a battle, why not conquer it

Hi, my name is Jamie I am a 24 year old heroin addict..The big turning point in my life happened 3 years ago... Hurts everytime I say that. Heroin has taken 3 years of my life that I can't get back, I can only heal and change for the better. I noticed a lot of stories go with a accident or surgery leading to prescription pill abuse, I kinda feel like I should say that because my sorry ass just decided to do a bag of dope after a stressful night because it was all I could find. Let me tell you this.. that one bag, the euphoria, the excitement that overcame my body, just the sense of contentment and I felt at ease.. a feeling I just wasn't to familiar with at the time. Would anyone not agree if they just decided to do one single bag of dope? I've always questioned this, because it makes me wonder.. maybe there is a sickness in me and I was drawn to like this drug. I hear some people talk oh I'd never do that never heroin, no way. Honestly would you not? Heroin filled that void I had in my life, it made me not so much a loner because it made me become comfortable in my own skin and made me sociable, even if I was nodding in and out of reality, who cares! I felt like a rock star at the time. When my family did notice I was getting a little heavier into my drug addiction, as I think about this now I wish I had taken the advice and got out of it then, because I did not know the road I was going down, well in some sense yes I can't sit here and act innocent. I guess it's more or less I wasn't taken it as serious as I should have and for that it is my fault I journied the road I did and every step, trip, and oh, I just ate my face! Yeah those were all on me, and not a damn person more. I remember at first having control and thinking I was above it, oh no, don't ever have this feeling because it will swallow you whole. Like I was saying I did feel a sense of control, I supported my addiction and took care of my sick mother and helped out a lot with the rent and utility bills, while being a mother. It makes me feel like complete and utter shit that I led myself so far down this road knowing I am a mother of such a great kid, who no matter what loves me uconditionally. With all my false promises and lies on where I have been and what I was doing, and why did I forget the toy. That breaks my heart so bad.... but I can only learn to fix these things when the time is for me, I mean anyone can tell you what you should and need to do, right? But it's completely on that person they are telling this to, to actual listen because with everything said and done the person with the problem to face is the one that needs to accept it for what it is and do what they know is right on getting there, if you don't have your own back don't expect to get anywhere. When my mother got sick I went down a nasty road, I don't remember a lot of those 2 years just because my life and my parents and brothers lifes slowly just crumbled right infront of us, that is so hard to swallow. I've done a lot of bouncing around, a lot of just lieing, stealing, hustling, and just doing things well if drugs weren't invovled I just wouldn't do... No one is perfect, and I don't think drugs should define any certain person, it's just an obstacle in that persons life. We are still human and still have that choice wether or not were going to get well or not. When I hit rock bottom, I actually stayed awhile like you would be suprised but being at rock bottom.. hell it doesn't get to much more stable then that in an addicts life..fuck, nothing else can get worse? So in some sense that was my sense of stability as messed up as that is to say. I recently lost my mother, just 7 months ago my drug addiction has stressed her since the very first day she found out, she has been sick like I was saying for all the years of my addicition. There was a few diffirent things leading to her passing, she had ulcers from smoking for 20+ years and very bad circulation and had a few surgeries also. While she was working a 40 hour a week job to support my father, with all these problems she had.. I wish I was an addict for the last years of her life, I wish I left a better image of myself with her on her leaving me, but I didn't. I tend to beat myself up, in the hospital my brothers blamed me for stressing her out, only if I wasn't doing this or if I wasn't out so much or if I had just stopped! Easy enough said! This took a lot out of me, seeing her there on the hospital bed, lifeless but still warm when I hugged her and told her c'mon jokes over wake up! C'mon mom, we all know you are good at pulling off a good/sick joke just get up now... Then the tears, I never thought of life without her, then omg I have to tell my son his favorite grandma is no longer here. What do I tell him? She is in heaven visiting our recent dog that passed? Suprisingly he took it well, he talks to this day almost everyday about her, I try and keep her alive in him. Always tell him to tell me stories he has of her, my favorite "mommy, she got drunk and we would dance on top of the table to baby baby baby ooooh" "that was our jam mommy..I miss mama" It always makes me smile, and makes me cry at the same time. I wasn't ready for her to go, this made me spin out of control. I have not had one single second of soberness in my life since Aug. 31st, 2013... I've been using like a phein, more and more and more. ODD twice since she has passed, I don't want to die I am not suicidal, but I feel lost without her. I feel almost betrayed, why did you go? You were 49, had so much more moments to make with me and our family and your grandson. Anyways In these last 7 months, yeah they got crazy but I've come to realize a lot also, I have been praying to my mother for strength in becoming clean. I have tried AANA meetings, suboxone clinics(personally just doesn't cut it) and cold turkey, ugh talk about hell in a hand basket! I am going into detox for the first time in my 3 years of using. This is a big step, I have all the positive support on my side which I think is key, I've eliminated my triggers. I am a big trigger to myself, so I know this will be a long battle and I dont expect after one try to be a champ but I'm going in with complete openess and willingly want this and need this change and need to get clean. That seems to me to be the big factor in all of this, anyone can tell me to go to detox, heard it a million times before. This time I am going for me, I am doing this for me, it feels so good to say. I feel like my mother is by my side and with me on this one, I can't explain the feeling but it's something I've never felt before with thinking about getting clean. Everytime I'd join a clinic, it was always okay I only have 3 more days to use. I caught myself like yes! 3 more days till I clean up my act and get better. This is big to me!!! It's been a long battle, no ones a weekend warrior for to long, Wish me luck on my detox and after care recovery, and also I just want to tell the people out there earlier on in their addiction, try and find that piece in you that wants more to life then a high, a empty pocket and soul. It just isn't worth it when it turns into years later of having accomplished not a damn thing, it tends to drag you further. If you get that opportunity to get out, just try and see how it goes? You never know, because this addiction I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy. It ruins so much, and a lot of people just don't get to that light at the end of the tunnel. Just always try and keep that open mind, look at it like this..... You were open-minded enough to try heroin and get hooked, be open-minded enough to beat it out of your life. It's only fair to you yourslef. That's all that matters. My prayers go out to all the people struggling with me, I hope you all find the right way out of this dark world, I hope I have found mind.... I love you mom, I will do this for you!


This Story of Hope was created in celebration of recovery and to let families know that there are pathways to hope and healing. The Partnership for Drug-Free Kids is the only nonprofit organization dedicated to helping families who are struggling with their son or daughter's substance use. Please consider sharing this page so that families know where to turn to for help, and that there is always hope.

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Comments

1. Kim
I read half of your story and then had to stop and just comment that I love the honesty you share with your addiction. I lost my boy not even 5 months ago from a heroin overdose. He, like you, decided to just "try it" one day-and boom, just like that, addicted. Your blessed beyond measures. Keep up the great work.
2. Jamie
Hey, it's Jamie.. I really love what you wrote, and I thank you for taking time from your day to leave such a nice comment and keeping me in your prayers. I am having some health insurance issues, I have none at all but I did send it in and once their received the local detox center I have found will take me... I am scared and nervous but this is what I want and need and cant wait... I am going to stay strong and try my hardest.. I cannot keep using.. It's killing me.
3. Debi
I am the mother of a 26 year old addict, my son. As a mother I want you to know your mother loved you with all her heart and would of done anything for you if she could have. I believe you are learning that too for you are a mom. She is proud of you and always was, even at your worst times. Just know that each step you take in your recovery she is there with you, let her be your strength when it gets too hard. And remember your child will love you too forever no matter what. I wish you success in your treatment and your recovery and I will pray for you to stay strong. I look forward to following your story if you do not mind sharing. Peace & Love Debi