Let the lord be your guide
MY PERSONAL TESTIMONY
I came to know God at an early age through my Nana, I spent summers basking in the sun under the willow tree in Hood River eating english muffin bread with homemade jam and watching shows on tv about Jesus. I also watched the compassion of my great grandma: her 2nd husband had dementia and was a verteran who no longer was able to communicate, he sat in his chair all day long unaware of his surroundings but my Nana loved that man. She fed him, read the bible to him talked to him, professed her love to him, and Jesus's love and also shared that with me. I always knew that was what being a true Christian was about. As i got older my grandpa Bill passed away and summers at Nana's stopped, as she needed to move to Portland to live with her daughter my Mema so they could help one another. It was nice having her closer to home, but as I went through a tough time battling the enemy severely and unaware as a teen what I was up against i sunk into depression. At school I strived to be the best an overachiever at everything I did to make my family proud of me so I wouldn't be the disappointment that i felt i was to myself. I was made fun of for being chubby but I joined cheerleading anyways and even climbed my way to captain and to the top of the pyramid despite my weight troubles. I was called ugly, stupid, no one ever wanted to take me to the dances or dance with me. Would get into fights and fell into the wrong crowd. I had friends, don't get me wrong, but some were wolves in sheep's clothing. I made friends easily most of the time and it didn't matter what their popularity was I was always friendly compoassionate and still felt like I was falling short. I began dabbling in cutting myself and had thoughts that I'd never be good enough. My own family had their own hidden abusive problems but i forgave them. I felt it was a normal part of growing up and maybe I deserved all that hurt and pain. I started getting into drugs at my junior year in high school smoking pot and drinking and one Halloween night at my own parent's house at a party in the basement I felt chastised for an argument yet again with my parents and my mind started yelling f them all, f it, f them all and I was offered a line of meth and took that decision and never looked back. I fell into the habit fast and hard and grew further apart from my family and friends I eventually ended up so depressed that I dressed in all black and wrote depressing poetry but was too afraid to share it for fear of being shut down, as whenever i tried to share my feelings with family they would turn the other way and shut me down making me feel worse. One night I had enough- I downed a bottle of tylenol and then realized JESUS, JESUS WAS CALLING OUT TO ME CRYING IN MY HEART AND I PICKED UP THE PHONE AND CALLED THE FIRST PERSON I COULD THINK OF AND TOLD HER WHAT I HAD DONE, APOLOGIZED AND BEGGED HER NOT TO TELL ANYONE, BUT THE VOICE WASN'T MY OWN, IT WAS THE LORD'S AND I KNEW SHE WAS GOING TO CALL MY PARENTS I KNEW AND AS THE LORD SPOKE THROUGH ME MY EMOTIONS STARTED SCREAMING AT ME TWO DIFFERENT WAYS A LOUD SCREAM IN MY HEAD TO HANG UP THE PHONE AND HIDE AND THE OTHER CRYING TO MY HEART TO KEEP TALKING TO JANELLE. I GOT SCARED AND HUNG UP THE PHONE AND A SECOND LATER IT RANG AND I HEARD MY HEART SCREAM HALLELUIAH WHILE MY MIND SHOUTED TO HIDE DON'T LET THEM FIND YOU YOURE WORTHLESS YOU DONT DESERVE TO LIVE. MY DAD ANSWERED AND I COULD HEAR HIS TEARS AS HE AND MY MOM RAN UPSTAIRS GRABBED ME IN MIXED ANGER, NOT AT ME AT THEMSELVES AT THE SITUATION AT EVERYTHING AT THE FACT THAT I COULDN'T TALK TO THEM AT THE FACT THEY DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE ME, THEY FELT LIKE THEY HAD FAILED ME AND NEXT THING I RECALL IS WAKING UP IN THE HOSPITAL WITH A TUBE BEING FORCED DOWN MY THROAT AND VOMIT BEING PUMPED INTO A BAG MY PARENTS WERE LOOKING THROUGH A GLASS WINDOW AND PAIN WAS IN THEIR EYES, SHAME WAS IN THEIR EYES AND MY HEART YELLED KEEP ON FIGHTING AS MY MIND SCREAMED F THEM ALL. THEY LET MY DAD COME SIT WITH ME WHEN THEY WERE PUTTING CHARCOAL INTO MY STOMACH BUT MY MOM COULDN'T COME IN. I KNOW WHY SHE FELT BAD ASHAMED AND DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK. AS MY DAD HELD MY HAND THE DR TOLD ME NOT TO THROW UP THE CHARCOAL OR THEY'D HAVE TO GIVE ME MORE. I COULD FEEL IT BUBBLING UP MY THROAT AND BEFORE I COULD STOP IT IT WENT ALL OVER MY DAD WHO DIDN'T BUDGE BUT SAT THERE LOVINGLY LOOKING AT ME AND THIS PAIN WAS IN HIS EYES. I APOLOGIZED AND THEN I DONT RECALL MUCH , THEY MADE ME START SEEING A PSYCHIATRIST AND I FELT LIKE THE DR DIDNT REALLY EVEN LISTEN, I FELT LIKE NO ONE REALLY CARED OR LISTENED BUT SURPRISINGLY ENOUGH MY MOM STEPPED UP TO THE PLATE AND WENT WITH ME TO MY NEXT APPOINTMENT WHERE SHE WAS UNHAPPY WITH MY DR AND STOOD UP FOR ME FIRING HIM ON THE SPOT. I WAS STILL GOING UP AND DOWN AND THEY PUT ME WITH ANOTHER DR WHO CONVINCED MY PARENTS TO LET ME MOVE OUT QUIT SCHOOL EARLY, I HAD ALL MY CREDITS DESPITE EVERYTHING AND ALMOST ALL A'S TO BOOT. THEY RELUCTANTLY AGREED THINKING THEY WERE DOING WHAT WAS BEST SO BEGAN MY DOWNWARD SPIRAL. I ENROLLED AT PCC FOR WRITING 121 (ONE OF MY BEST SUBJECTS) TO FINISH UP THE 1/2 CREDIT I NEEDED FOR GRADUATION. I STARTED WORKING AT ANOTHER JOB AT THE MALL DOWNTOWN AND LIVING WITH A GAY GUY I THOUGHT WAS MY FRIEND AND IN ALL ACTUALITY KNOW I LEARNED SOMETHING FROM HIM HE WORKED THERE TOO. WE WERE BIG INTO THE DRUG SCENE AND PARTYING AT CLUBS DANGEROUS FAST PACED LIFESTYLE I WAS STEALING FOOD AND MONEY FROM MY EMPLOYER TO SUPPORT MY DRUG HABIT AND MY ROOMATES SO I COULD HAVE A PLACE TO LIVE AND WAS REALLY SCREWING UP HARDCORE, MY CHUBBINESS MELTED OFF MY BODY I GOT FIRED FROM MY JOB KICKED OUT FROM MY FRIENDS, STARTED LIVING WHEREVER I COULD FIND A PLACE, I WOULD STILL PRAY AND I STILL FELT GOD THERE BUT THAT SCREAMING IN MY HEAD ALTHOUGH NOT AUDIBLE (YET) WAS TELLING ME THAT I WASNT GOOD ENOUGH FOR GOD ANYWAYS. I DIDN'T BELIEVE IN MYSELF BUT I KNEW THAT VOICE WAS WRONG I JUST WAS STUCK AND DIDNT KNOW HOW TO GET OUT. I BEGAN SLEEPING IN MOTELS, UNDER TREES, PARK BENCHES, IN DRUG DEALERS HOUSES, PUT IN SERIOUSLY DANGEROUS SITUATIONS, I WAS STEALING FROM STORES AND RETURNING ITEMS TO GET CASH OR FOOD TO GET DRUGS OR TRADE FOR DRUGS WHICH BECAME MY FOOD, MY BODY WAS LESS THAN A TOOTHPICK AND I THOUGHT THIS WAS WHAT SOCIETY WANTED ME TO BE WHAT WAS EXPECTED, BUT I DINT LIKE MYSELF. I WOUDL TALK TO MY FAMILY ON AND OFF AND THEY WOULD COME PICK ME UP TO SHOWER AND EAT OR GET A FEW DAYS REST AND OFF I WAS. AT ONE POINT I WAS THROWN OUT OF A DRUG HOUSE FOR MY BELIGERANCE AND WENT TO THE FIRST CHURCH I COULD FIND WHERE I RECALL SEEING SHADOWS NOT DRUG INDUCED BECAUSE THEY TOUCHED ME SEXUALLY AND DISGUSTED ME I RECALL SCREAMING AND PRAYING AND ENDING UP BACK AT THE DRUG DEALERS HOUSE WHERE THEY CALMED ME DOWN IN FEAR THE COPS WOULD BUST THEM TOO. I RECALL A TIME ON 4TH OF JULY I GOT ANGRY AND THREW MY WOODEN MAKEUP CASE ACROSS THE DRIVEWAYS AND IT BROKE OPEN SPILLING OUT SYRINGES AND ALL I COULD SAY WAS THEY WERE A DIABETIC FRIEND OF MINES I WAS ASHAMED NOT JUST FOR MYSELF BUT AS MY OWN DAD BENT DOWN AND HELPED ME PICK THEM UP AND PUT EVERYTHING NEATLY BACK INTO MY CASE I FELT BAD, VERY BAD I KNEW THAT I HURT HIM MY MOM TOO, MY MEMA TOO AND IT HURT BUT I WAS SO NUMB FROM DRUGS THAT IT DIDNT HURT ENOUGH. I TOOK OFF AGAIN AND BEGAN A BINGE THAT ENDED ME GOING INTO NORDSTROMS AND ATTEMPTING TO STEAL A COAT AND BY GOD'S LOVING GRACE AN ANGEL SLAPPED HANDCUFFS ON MY ARMS AS I ATTEMPTED TO LEAVE THE STORE AND ALTHOUGH ASHAMED AND NOT KNOWING WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN A PART OF ME FELT RELIEVED. I WAS TAKEN INTO A BACK ROOM WHERE THE SEARCHED FOUND, THE STOLEN ITEM, DRUGS AND A BUTCHER KNIFE THE NEXT ANGELS TO ENTER THE ROOM WERE THE PORTLAND POLICE WHO TOOK ME INTO CUSTODY READ ME MY RIGHTS AND HANDCUFFED ME AND PUT ME INTO THEIR POLICE CAR WHERE I WAS DRIVEN TO THE JAIL. i SPENT THE NIGHT IN A ROOM BY MYSELF MY OWN FAMILY WOULDNT COME HELP TOLD ME I WAS ON MY OWN IT HURT BUT I UNDERSTAND WHY NOW. I WENT TO COURT THE NEXT MORENING AND WAS GIVEN THE OPTION OF A COURT MANDATED TREATMENT PROGRAM OR JAIL TIME. i DECIDED THAT TREATMENT SOUNDED EASIER? I HADNT MADE IT IN MY PLANS TO EVEN BEGIN TO KNOW WHAT CLEAN AND SOBER WAS OR MEANT OR WAS EVEN REAL FOR ME, I JUST FIGURED THAT IT SOUNDED EASIER THAN JAIL, LITTLE DID I KNOW. I WAS LIVING AT A MOTEL DOWN THE STREET FROM TREATMENT STILL USING WHEN I STARTED ATTENDING THEY TOOK MY OICTURE AND LOOKING BACK I LOOKED UGLY, STUPID, A JOKE, NOT THE HAPPY CHEERLEADER CHUBBY AND CUTE AND FUNNY, I LOOKED LIKE THE WALKING DEAD. i ENDED UP GOING TO A FRIENDS? YEAH ANOTHER WOLF IN SHEEPS CLOTHING WHERE I TOOK OFF WITH A BRIEFCASE THINKING I COULD SELL ITS CONTENTS TO MAKE A QUICK BUY AND GOT TWACKED AND STUPID WENT RIGHT BACK INTO THE PKACE I HAD JUST TAKEN THE BRIEFCASE FORM AND WAS MET WITH THE BARREL OF A GUN POINTED TO MY HEAD WAS TOLD TO FORGE A CHECK AND GO CAH IT OR THEYD BLOW MY HEAD OFF I WAS HANDCUFFED FOR HOURS AND RELUCTANTLEY JUST COOPERATED. I WENT TO THE BANK TO CASH THE CHECK (A BUSINESSES CHECK)THEY SET ME UP AND I WAS TOO NAIVE TO SEE THAT IN REALITY THEY DID ME A FAVOR I TOLD THEM AT THE BANK I LOST MY IDENTIFICATION OUTSIDE THEIR LOCATION IN A ROBBERY/PICKPOCKET AND THEY WERE PRETTY SCETCHY SO I MADE AN EXCUSE THAT I HAD TO LEAVE AND WOULD COME BACK THE NEXT DAY TO PICK UP THE FUNDS. I WENT BACK THE NEXT DAY AND THE ANGEL AT THE TELLER WAS NICE AND TOLD ME TO STAND STILL AND GLANCE OVER MY SHOULDER I SAW ANOTHER ANGEL APPROACHING ME WHO PLACED HIS HANDCUFFS ON MY WRISTS AND LED ME OUT TO HIS CAR. I WA SPUT BACK IN JAIL OVERNIGHT AND THIS TIME IN COURT FACED A FORGERY 2 THE ANGEL THAT HELD THE GAVEL WAS NO NONSENSE BUT COMPASSIONATE AND I TOLD HIM THE TRUTH I KNEW I NEEDED HELP THEY ENDED UP PLEA BARGAINING IF I WOULD TAKE TREATMENT SERIOUSLY OR I WOULD FACE PRISON. I STILL DIDNT QUITE CATCH ONTO THE CONCEPT OF SERIOUSLY UNTIL I MET TWO MORE ANGELS MY PERSONAL AND GROUP COUNSELOR AT THE STOP PROGRAM, BOTH EX CONS, BOTH RECOVERING ADDICTC NOW HELPING OTHERS IN A WAY I FELT INSPIRED BY IF THEY COULD DO IT SO COULD I THEY DID KNOW HOW I FEEL NOT LIKE THE DRS THAT LEARNED OUT OF A BOOK BUT THESE PEOPLE WERE ACTUAL ADDICTS THAT KNEW WHAT IT WAS LIKE AND WERE NOW HELPING OTHERS WHICH IS WHAT I WANT TO DO(ONLY WITH A CHRISTLIKE APPROACH) MY CLEAN AND SOBER DAT IS 9-16-1995 AND BY THE GRACE OF GOD I DID MAKE IT TO MY HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION, GOT AN A IN MY PCC WRITING 121 AND WALKED ACROSS THE STAGE GRADUATING 6TH IN MY CLASS. I MADE IT THE FULL YEAR IN TREATMENT WITHOUT SCREWING UP GOT A JOB IN THE SAME BUILDIN DOING SOMETHING I HAD NEVER DONE AND EXCELLED AT AND FINALLY PROVED TO MY FAMILY THAT I WAS WALKING THE WALK THEIR PRAYERS HAD BEEN ANSWERED. I MOVED BACK HOME AFTER A FEW MONTHS OR SO AND GOT MY LIFE BACK ON TRACK AT MY GRADUATION I THANKED MY ANGELS THE JUDGE AND POLICE OFFICER FOR SAVING MY LIFE AND MY NANA STOOD UP IN COURT AND TOLD THEM THANK YOU FOR SAVING HER GRANDAUGHTER AND HER AND MY FAMILIES PRAYERS AND HOW PROUD SHE IS(I KNOW SHES STILL PROUD). MY NANA PASSED AWAY 2 YEARS LATER OF A STROKE AND I GRIEVED HER VERY HARD. I WAS ASHAMED OF MYSELF FOR LOSING THE TIME I FELT I SHOULDVE BEEN THERE WITH HER BUT INSTEAD I WAS OUT BEING STUPID, AND HURTFUL, AND RUDE TO MYSELF AND MY FAMILY. THE LAST TIME I SAW HER I WAS READING HER THE BIBLE WHEN SHE SAID TO ME THAT SHE HAD DONE HER JOB AND PRAYED ME BACK TO THE FAMILY AND IT WAS TIME FOR HER TO GO HOME MY MEMA AND MOM SAID SHE WAS INCOHERENT BUT I KNOW IT WAS SOMEONE TELLING ME SOMETHING THROUGH HER REGARDLESS IF SHE COULDNT SPEAK THE LORD WAS SENDING ME A MESSAGE. I RELAPSED 2 TIMES FOR 1 DAY EACH TIME AND EACH TIME I DID THAT I FELT STUPID, BAD, AND SELFISH SO I SAID YEAH KNOW WHAT THE lORD WANTS ME TO HAVE A BETTER LIFE AND NEVER DID i LOOK BACK. i ENDED UP MEETING MY NOW EX HUSBAND IN 1998 OVER THE INTERNET WHILE HE WAS LIVING IN FRANCE WE CYBER DATED FOR 6 MONTHS AND HE MOVED HERE AND I FELL IN LOVE HE WAS INVOLVED FOR THE WRON REASONS WHEN HE ASKED MY HAND IN MARRIAGE. HE IS A VERY ABUSIVE, SATANIC WORSHIPPER WHO COULD HAVE NVER BEEN IN HOLY MATRIMONY WITH A CHIRSTIAN AND IMMEDIATELY AFTER WEDDING HIM I HEARD THE ENEMY LOUD AND CLEAR NOT LIKE BEFORE BUT ACTUAL VOICES MY EX HUSBAND TOOK ME TO PSYCHIATRISTS HAD ME LABELED PSYCHOTIC AND SCHIZOPHRENIC, I KEPT WORKING AND GETTING PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY SICKER AND AFTER MOVING WITH MY EX TO CALIFORNIA I SUFFERED A STROKE A MEDICINE MY EX HAD ME PUT ON HAD CAUSED ME TO BALLOON UP TO 345 POUNDS AND CAUSED A STROKE. HE SUGGESTED SSI DISBILITY WHICH WAS PUT IN OUR JOINT ACCOUNT THAT I WASNT ALLOWED TO TOUCH, HE WOULDNT HELP ME TAKE CARE OF ME, NEGLECTED ME MEDICLALY AND HEALTHFULLY, TOLD MY OWN COUSIN I WAS GROSS, BUT STAYED WEDDED TO ME ANYWAYS FOR MONEY, TREATED ME LIKE A LAB RAT TO MAKE EASY MONEY FOR HIS FAMILY IN EUROPE WHOO BELONG TO AN ANARCHY GROUP WHILE I WAS ABUSED AND THROWN INTO HOSPITALS AND PRESCRIBED MEDS HE WOUDL DOSE ME WITH EXTRA MEDS THEN LIE TO DRS. I KEPT GETTING SICKER AND SICKER AND HE KEPT GETTING MORE AND MORE ABUSIVE THE SICKER I GOT THE MORE I READ CHRISTIAN BOOKS, THE BIBLE, AND CHRISTIAN SELF HELP BOOKS AND IT DRIVE A WEDGE INTO OUR RELATIOBSHIP. I EVENTAULLY FOUND OUT HED BEEN CHEATING ON ME AND HE FINALLY ADMITTED TO IT AND ASKED FOR A DIVORCE. WARNED ME TO NOT GET ATTORNEYS OR ELSE AND MY DAD AND BROTHER SAID NO WAY AND HELPED ME FIND AN ATTORNEY. THEN THE RETALIARTIONSH STARTED MY EX WAS ARRECSTED THE NIGHT HE FOUND OUT I HIRED AN ATTORNEY AND LEGALLY TOOK MONEY OUT OF OUR JOINT ACCOUNT TO DO SO. I FILED A RESTTAINGING ORDER AND HE WAS FORCED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. i EVENTUSALLY FOUND MY OWN HOUSE AND WAS SO SICK AT THAT POINT I HAD ASKED ON THE RESTRAINING ORDER FOR HELP WITH A CAREGIVER AND IN WALKS GREGORY ANOTHER WOLF IN SHEEPS CLOTHING, THE WOLF IN SHEEPS CLOTHING POSING AS THE CAREGIVER THE HEALER THE ANGEL OF LIGHT, ONLY I SAW IT IN HIM IN HIS EYES WAS THE DARKNESS, THE EVIL THE VERY SPIRIT OF SATAN AND i WANTED IT OUT OF THERE. I KNEW HIS VOICE SOUNDED FAMILIAR AND FOR A BRIEF PERIOD THE VOICES HAD STOPPED AND WHEN THEY STARTED UP AGAIN WAS AFTER GREGORY GOT OUT OF JAIL THE FIRST TIME FOR RUNNING FROM THE LAW AND LYING TO ME ABOUT IT THEY HAD GINS AIMED AT HIM AND EVERYTHING, BUT HE WAS A LEECH WOULDNT LEAVE LED ME ON TO BELIEVE HE WAS DOWN ON HIS LUCK JUST WANTED TO BE LOVED AND PLAYED ON MY EMOTIONS UNTIL I FIGURED OUT WHERE I KNEW HIS VOICE FROM HE SPEAKS TO MY MIND THE WHOLE TIME I WAS WEDDED TO A SATANIC WORSHIPPER HIS BUDDY SATANICALLY PSYCHICALY TELEPATHICALLY CONNECTED TO ME AND SCREAMS LIES AND BLASPHEMY AND EVIL AND TOUCHEDS MY BODY IN SICK PERVERTED WAYS AND MAKES ME FEEL WEAK. HE IS IN PRISON NOW BEING INVESTIGATED WITH MY OWN EX HUSBAND AND UNCLE(ASSOCIATED TO GREGORY BY SERVING PRISON TIME YEARS AGO TOGETHER) FOR FEDERAL FINANCIAL FRAUD WITH INT TO FRAUD(STEAL)PERSONAL PROPERTY AND MONEY DURING A PERSONAL PROPERTY AND MONEY SETTLEMENT DIVORCE BETWEEN ONLY MYSLEF AND FREDERIC. THEY ARE UNDER INVESTIGATION AS WELL FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER MULTPILE ATTEMPTS AT MURDER AND DRS HAVE ACCUSED THE PSYCHIC CONNECTION AND MR FATHER OF LIES WONT BE ABLE TO DENY THE FACTS YOU SEE HE CLAIMS HE OWNS MY SOUL THAT MY EX SOLD IT TO HIM WHEN NOONE BUT THE LORD JESUS WHO DOESNT WALK IN THE FLESH OWNS MY SOUL MY MIND AND MY HEART AND HE TRIED TOO MAKE ME BELIEVE THAT EVERY CHRISTIAN GIRL HE MEETS HAS TO BE A BLASPHEMOUS IDIOT IN THE SOCIETY SO HE CAN HAVE THEIR MONEY AND THEY CAN BE HIS SAVIOR BY LYING FOR HIM...I DONT LIE FOR MYSELF OR ANYONE AND SACRIFICING THEIR OWN LIFE BY COMMITTING SUICIDE SO HE CAN TRY TO WEAZEL HIS WAY OUT OF DEER RIDGE PENETENTIRY BY TRYING TO BLAME OTHERS WHEN AS LONG AS I STAND ITS WRITTEN ON COURT PAPERWORK NONE OF THEM WILL WALK FOR WHAT THEY PUT ME THROUGH. I BELIEVE IN MYSELF BECAUSE THE LORD IS IN ME AND GROWS ME SPIRITUALLY AND IS MY WISDOM AND GUIDANCE TO DEFEAT THEM ENEMY. I KNOW THROUGH MY EXPERIENCES I CAN HELP OTHERS THROUGH THE POWER OF CHRIST THE LORD OVERCOME ABUSIVE SITUATIONS FROM OTHERS AND ABUSING THEMSELVES AND FIND A NEW MEANING IN LIFE THE LORD NEVER FORSOOK ME NEVER WILL HE SENT PLENTY OF ANGELS THAT I CAN ATTEST TO THAT WOULDNT HAVE EVEN BOTHERED WITH ME IF THEY DIDNT SEE HOPE.
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